Living as an Empath

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Living as an empath has its drawbacks.  One is not knowing if feelings I am experiencing is mine or others.  Recently, I experienced three episodes of anxiety attacks while with my Twin Flame.  One of these episodes occurred near an art gallery where I felt horrible pains in my chest and in my heart chakra of emotional pain and hurt.  I ask my Twin if he had a negative experience there, and he described that a gallery owner earlier rejected his art work .

On two recent hikes together with my twin, I felt panic attacks when we were discussing about his artistic and musical pursuits.  The first episode involved anxiety with tightness in my chest, and difficult breathing.  The second episode involved tightness in my chest and nausea.  When I described these feelings to my Twin, he expressed that he had been experiencing nausea in the morning for about a year.  During each of these episodes, I sense thoughts of not being good enough or unworthiness.

I am in the process of understanding why I am experiencing feelings of panic and anxiety.  Are my feelings of unworthiness being triggered within me?  Since he is my twin, we have similar emotional wounds, so am I merely mirroring the negative emotions of unworthiness, lack, and insecurities?  As I am energetically connected to my twin, am I experiencing his symptoms of panic and anxiety?

I sense that he blames others, particularly women for his feeling of inadequacy.  Are we both blaming others for our own feelings of inadequacy?  Maybe this is simply a mirroring of two Twin Flames trying to unravel our issues that are intertwined.  I continue to struggle to understand what is actually happening.  If you have any insights, please feel free to share and comment below. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Moving Through Fear

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Fear is like waves on the ocean that come in ebbs and flows.  This is what I have been experiencing after a recent argument with my Twin Flame.  His behaviors triggered my past injury that felt so painful that I reacted in a way I have not reacted in over 15 years.  I thought that injury was healed, but I am realizing that I still am emotionally wounded.

This emotional wound causes me to behave with distrust, jealousy, and fear of betrayal.  I also realized and acknowledge that this wound is within me.  I believe that my twin and I share similar emotional wounds causing us to trigger each other, and share the same fear of being injured again.  I have been observing my thoughts and feelings as these waves of fear hit me.

Last night, I admitted to my Twin Flame my deepest fear of no longer being young and pretty as I age.  My fear is that someday in the near future, he will trade me in for a newer and younger woman.  Just saying these words out loud made my fears dissipate.  It connected me deeply with my Twin to share such vulnerability and deep seeded fear of unworthiness and lack.

Fear is the voice that prevents us from being injured again, but it also is the voice that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It keeps us stuck in the same emotionally wounded place as when we first were wounded by someone we love.  Facing our fears is the first step to dissipating this fear, and taking away its power to rule our lives.  May you overcome your deepest fears.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Sexual Self Esteem

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In the last two weeks, I have been working through issues around sexuality and self worth.  Because of my past childhood sexual abuse history, I have continued to experience low self worth and struggle with issues around sex.  What I have experienced is that I do not feel valued as a person as I was sexualized very early in my childhood at the age of eight.

Because of this early sexualization, I did not emotionally develop normally as a woman.  My self worth was intermingled with my sexuality.  That is, I only feel worthy as a sex object as that was how my father treated me. The things that make us strong as women are our nurturing ability, compassion, kindness, caring, and intuition.  As I ascend, I am trying to move in this direction, but I am stuck in this confusion of my sexuality and self worth.

I do feel sexy and sensuous, but it is tied up in the feeling of low self worth.  I am trying to unravel these two issues that do not need to be intermingled.  I can feel sensuous and sexy and still feel worthy.  My awareness into these issues has caused me to feel my blockage in my sacral chakra.  Recently, my Kundalini energy has been blocked in my sacral chakra that I believe is causing pain in my abdomen.

A recent argument with my Twin Flame has raised these issues into my awareness.   I became jealous over other women because I did not feel worthy due to our sexual relations.  It appears when I am sexually involved with a man, the feelings of lack of self worth is accentuated where I do not feel this way with men that I am not sexually involved. There also is great fear around sexual intimacy for me as I experienced secrecy, breach of trust, and sexual violations in my childhood.

I believe the issues around my lack of self worth is directly connected with my sexual relations with my partner.  As I navigate these issues, I become very aware of my thoughts around other women involving my Twin Flame so I can take responsibility for my thoughts, reactions, and behaviors.  I must heal this part of me in order to have a healthy, happy, and fulfilling romantic life.  As my Twin Flame says, “Onward.” (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Truth and Reality

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As I progressed through my ascension work, I am reflecting upon my past failures and realized that I brought my failures upon myself. I have been divorced twice and suffered many failed relationships. Now, I am in a twin flame relationship and realize that I must change my past behaviors that caused these failures in order to experience true union with my twin.

The truth is that I have always blamed these failures upon my partners and spouses, but I was responsible for and contributed to them as well. I suffered low self-esteem from my childhood abuse and developed unhealthy behaviors such as addictions, avoidance/escape, and self sabotage to cope with my life. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and severe stress. I felt my life unraveling before me.

Now, I am forced to take a cold hard look at these failures and how I can change my life so my soul can be eternally with my twin soul who I truly love in this Universe. It is through unconditional and self love that will give me the strength to give up my past karmic relationships, unhealthy behaviors, self sabatage, and addictions.

It is through this honesty to myself that will allow me to see my reality no matter how difficult or ugly it may be. Only through healing this darkness will I find my way to the light. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Facing My Demons

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As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Sending Prayers for Twin Flames

This Twin Flame thing is really difficult as I traverse this journey with my twin.  As I begin to delve into our relationship, I have asked my twin to look at the conditions he places on his relationships.  We frequently fulfill our deficiencies through others.  For example, if we lack abundance, we depend on others financially.   If we lack self worth, we ask other to make us feel worthy.  As I address these issues with him that we must love unconditionally, he and I are both filled with fear and revert to the old familiar behaviors.

I think this is where the hard work begins.  Our time together is no longer filled only with fun and escape, but we begin the real work of healing.  I expressed my concerns with him, but this is causing great fear and angst.  Recently, both of us have reverted to old behaviors while he still holds onto karmic relationships and seeking approval from other women.  He has exhibited passive aggressive behaviors in defiance of my expressions of concern and to sabotage our progress.

These old behaviors, addictions, and karmic relationships must be addressed in order to move forward.  As we move forward in our ascension process, these old behaviors must be re-examined, addictions must be overcome, and karmic relationships must be given up.  These old patterns are from our past dysfunctional family dynamics and marital relationships.  Our success in moving forward will depend on how brave and courageous he is in facing his darkness and demons.

I am sharing my techniques and methods of healing and spiritual work with him, but the true test is whether he will weather this storm that is to come.  We will face our darkness full of unworthiness, self loathing, addiction, and fear.  I pray for our healing and send this prayer into the Infinite for guidance and protection.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Your Life Is Your Journey

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I began my spiritual journey in March 2011 when my Kundalini energy rose.  This journey did not take me to the far reaches of the world, a pilgrimage trail, an ashram in India, a temple in Tibet, or a temple in Instanbul.  My journey exists in my everyday life through my job, through relationships, through people I meet, and even on a hike alone.  I realize that my life is my spiritual journey of self discovery.  I did not need to go anywhere!

This spiritual path forces me to confront my fears, learn patience through difficult people, change my unhealthy relationships, let go of what I cannot control, overcome toxic people and situations, forgive myself, and love myself.  Through changing my life, I transform and ascend on my spiritual journey.

For example, I was taking a hike the other day on a unfamiliar trail.  When I went beyond the point I was familiar, I began to turn back.  It took me three attempts, but I finally began to walk the path of the unfamiliar without any trail signs or map.  I just kept walking forward into the unknown, and in that moment, I overcame that fear that held me back and prevented me from walking forward.

A spiritual journey is about confronting the unknown that makes us afraid.  It is overcoming the unfamiliar obstacles and difficulties in life that we are confronted.  It is discovering ourselves, and learning that we are courageous and brave.  Everyday in our lives, we are confronted with our difficult journey.  It is overcoming these daily obstacles that is truly our journey.

If we take each person or situation as a life lesson, we will have covered many miles on our spiritual journey.  Every person and situation is our opportunity to learn about ourselves and change ourselves to live the higher path without fear and through self love.

Don’t stay stuck in your life to pacify your fears.  Don’t stay in unhealthy relationships in fear of being alone.  Don’t accept bad behaviors for fear of rejection.  Face your fears, accept yourself and your past, love who you are today, and learn to love others without condition.  Find your journey exactly where you are!  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

 

 

Dependency Versus Unconditional Love

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I have written on this subject before, but it is an issue my Twin Flame and I are working through now.  Most human relationships are dependencies because they are conditional. Our relationships with our lovers, friends, and family are based on what we give to each other.  This is because of ego.  For example, if you give me love then I will return it, and if you give me a gift then I will return this gift.   It is this for that or quid pro quo. This is the quality of most human relationships through ego that makes our world go around and around.

Unconditional love is a whole other thing.  Love that is given without condition does not exist normally within our world, except God’s love for us, or your dog’s love for you. This is where most relationships and marriages fail, because once that condition changes or we no longer need that condition, the relationship fails. That, I believe, is the reason for the high statistics of failed marriages throughout our world.

How do we keep relationships alive and lasting?  I believe it is to love unconditionally the soul of another being.  This love is given freely, not because of someone’s appearance, wealth, status, talents, or even intelligence.  It is solely because you can see the beauty and the goodness within their soul.  Everyone has goodness within their soul, but you have the choice to whom you give this unconditional love.  Truly enlightened people give this unconditional love to every soul, but I am not quite there yet.

As I observe those around me as an empath, I can sense the basis of attraction between others.  If that attraction is based on a condition associated with a lack or deficiency in their lives, it is most likely a karmic relationships. For example, two people love each other because they have the same emotional injuries or lack.  This lack becomes the condition of their relationship when each fulfills the other’s lack.  The result of  this condition creates competition, resentment, jealousy, and more lack which is the manifestation of the dependency relationship and really is not love.

If two people attract based on condition such as, if you will help me, then I will help you, or if you take care of me then I will take care of you.  Although this relationship may be based on a soulmate connection, this relationship too will change or fail when the conditions change.  Whether a karmic or soulmate relationship, these conditional or dependency relationships will eventually change or dissolve as they did in my life.

This is when we must honestly look at the relationships in our lives, and begin to change those conditional or dependency dynamics to unconditional love.  You will know it’s a conditional or dependency relationship when you begin to change that dynamic with your friend, family, or lover, but they will oppose this change since that was your initial agreement together.   May you find unconditional love in your life. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Preparing for Twin Flame Union

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My entire soul life has prepared me for my present existence.  I have walked through such darkness that most will not venture to find my way forward.  This darkness prepared me for my union with my Twin Flame that is nothing short of a miracle.  The union only occurred after I began seeking a Divine union within myself and guided by my higher self.

During this dark journey, I survived many karmic relationships filled with drama, chaos, and pain.  These relationships involved both my parents, lovers, and partners.  I survived all of them to live to tell about it.  During these karmic relationships, I learned to love myself, to love others unconditionally, to attract abundance, to find self worth and esteem, and to find my purpose in our world.

During this time, I began to evolved closer and closer to my Twin Flame.  During July 2013 when I was not even seeking a relationship, and was on my spiritual journey of self discovery alone, I met my Twin Flame in Cinque Terre, Italy.  Our meeting was completely unexpected as I was lost within my inner world trying to find myself.  My own soul searching brought me to my Twin Flame.

As I look back on my spiritual journey, I was brought and attracted karmic relationships with those with low self esteem and worth, those who lack abundance, and those with addictions and obsessions because these issues are within me.  These karmic relationships prepared me for the issues with my Twin Flame, and after uniting with my twin recently in January, 2017, we have been forced to face these difficult issues that we share.

Twin Flame journeys begin separately and our spiritual paths bring us closer and closer to our Twin Flames.  Even after our meeting in July, 2013, I felt unprepared for our union with my Twin Flame until I found my own Divine union, path, soul purpose, self love, and unconditional love for others.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)