My Journey of Self Discovery

Since March, 2011, when my Kundalini energy rose within me, I have learned so much about myself.  Because of this intelligent energy, I am connected to the universal Infinite energy that guides me, helps me self reflect, and provides me a vision into myself and my world. This blessing comes at a price as not many understand my journey, my purpose, or my path.  However, the Infinite sent me my twin flame to support me through this arduous journey.

I am eternally grateful for this gift of sight.  Because I could not see earlier, I do not take this sight for granted, and this sight allows me to understand others deeply.  Many of my life lessons seem to involve letting go of people through forgiveness. Many are brought into my life so that I may let them go.  I am told very early on during my encounter with others as to who will stay in my life and who I must let go.

My life has transformed completely than prior to March, 2011. Much of my journey requires me to accept what I cannot change, change what I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference as in the Serenity Prayer. Every new mission or experience has a purpose, although I am not completely sure of that purpose until I go through the experience.

For example, when I began my first mission at a college in the mountains of Appalachia, the purpose was to overcome my anger, fear, and resentment toward my parents for my childhood abuse.  My supervisor then represented my mother, and a man I dated then represented my father.  I knew that I needed to forgive them in order to let them go.  As I lived in this rural part of the country, I was brought dear, kind, and life long friends.

My next mission occurred at another college clear across the country.  The purpose for this experience was to overcome my guilt of my inability to save myself and my brother from childhood sexual and physical abuse.  This savior complex created all level of distress and frustration in my life.  I imposed my fears and need to change others when they were not ready to make such a change.  This letting go and forgiveness process includes forgiving myself and accepting what occurred earlier in my childhood.

Each time, I overcame one of these experiences, my life transformed and even my twin flame showed up because I am ready to unite with him.  I know my life will transform once again becoming closer to my true self, and living a more authentic life.  I give thanks every day for my gifts and blessings.  (Copyright 2019 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Future

The Act of Forgiveness

The hardest part of my spiritual journey has been the work on forgiveness. Since giving notice at my job at the college, my staff asked me to leave the office before my last day. This was very hurtful to me as I hired them and fought hard for their positions and their salaries.

My assistant director who I hired and recommended her for the interim director position told me, “it is best for the team if you left.” When I first heard these words, I thought what an ungrateful bunch of people.

However, as I move forward on my spiritual journey, I am told by the Infinite that I must forgive these people in order to leave them behind me. I cannot take them along on my journey forward, and carrying anger or resentment about them will only keep them firmly connected to me.

The only true way to release them, is to forgive them for they know not what they do is what I am told by the Infinite. Once I do this, I will be free to move forward. Now, for the hard work ahead to forgive those who have hurt me. (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)

Survivor’s Guilt

For many years, I experienced a reoccurring dream. In the dream I was on the second floor of my parents home with my brother and many little children.

The house was on fire, and I attempted to help my brother and the little children escape. In this panic and chaos, my brother and the children in fear refused to jump out of the second story window, but in my mind I knew that I was going to jump out without them. In a cold sweat, I wake up from the dream. I believe the dream represents survivors guilt.

When I started my job two years ago working on a college campus with students who have been sexually assaulted, sexually harassed, and physically assaulted from dating violence, I did not fully realize that the purpose of working at this job is to overcome this survivors guilt.

Very recently, I gave notice at this job. The process to get to this point of letting go of trying to save the students, and a university that is in crisis was very difficult.  Even the staff that worked for me are very much like these children who works at a college that is on “fire.”

First, I had to realize what was happening. Second, I made an intention to let them go even if it would be painful for all of us involved. Third, I just let go. In fact, I knew when I first started that I would not make any friends while working at this college. I left with many good colleagues, but no true friends here. This prediction came true.

Maybe I did not make friends because it would be too hard to let go? I feel free now without hanging onto this great burden. I hope I have finally let go of the needs to save these students and my staff members. Only time will tell. (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)

When to stay and when to go?

How does one know when to stay and when to go? How do we make the decision that enough is enough? Are there signs? Does the infinite show us the right path?

This is true for every relationship, job, situation, and friendship. Do we need to let go? If so, when do we let go? This is the perpetual question I have in my life.

Many times I stayed too long. Many times I did not stay long enough. This is where I am much of my life, at the crossroads.

As I stand at the crossroads once again, I look for signs and open myself to the messages from the infinite. I hope to find guidance soon! (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)

Rude Awakenings

Part of the awakening journey is what I call the rude awakening. During the rude awakening, we begin to see people around us for who they really are and not what they want us to see. I am thankful every day for being an empath, since the rising of my Kundalini energy.

When I awaken, I begin to see others’ fears, selfishness, pain, insecurities, and other ego related negative emotions. Most importantly, I begin to see my own fears very clearly.

In the beginning, it is a great shock and disbelief that I had not seen these negative emotions within them earlier. How did I miss this? What caused me to fail to see this within them? Was I blinded by their charm?

However, once our eyes are open, we are no longer blind to this reality. I do not believe they are bad people, but they are human. I also see how those negative emotions are reflected within me. I know in time, I will forgive them and recognize them for who they are, but I will no longer trust them as I had in the past.

These rude awakenings are part of my spiritual journey, I believe. When our eyes are finally open, we do not only see the good things in life, but also the negative ones. (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)

Finding My Way to Light

Is it possible to become evil when we are around others who are? Is it possible to take on their dark energies? This is what I am asking myself now.

I believe all humans have evil within us, and certain people can bring out that dark energy within us. I have come to this realization recently as I work within a corrupt empire.

This empire is a university with an administration covering up sexual harassment and sexual assault involving their employees. I am the head of the one office that has authority to investigate allegations of sexual harassment and sexual assault.

In a recent report, a high level university official was found to have sexual harassed many employees over the course of many years. The university administration knew, covered this up, and failed to report this to my office. Other employees ultimately reported these misconducts.  After the investigation concluded with findings of misconducts by them, no serious disciplined occurred,

As I work within this corrupt environment, I begin to lose my own focus of what is moral and right. Last night, the Infinite told me that I may be losing myself in this corrupt environment. We begin to make excuses about white lies and justifications for others’ wrongdoing.

This is the part that truly frightens me as my intention to work here was to change this institution for the better. However, maybe the opposite is happening instead? Maybe this evil is much greater than me? Can this evil consume all?

Now, I must forge my own path to find my way to do what is right, what is fair, and what is just. This has occurred earlier in my life, and my spiritual journey led me back on course. I know I shall find my way again. (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)

Finding a Dissenting Path

One of the new experiences on my spiritual journey is becoming frequently the single dissenter in the room. The dissenter creates friction and conflict to make sure that the marginalized voices are heard. This dissenting voice creates discord and disharmony for many who just want consensus, and agreement.

This is what I have experienced since becoming kundalini active. Others don’t like me very well, and it is a new role that I am playing. In the past, I have always wanted to belong, and be accept by others. I realize now that belonging and acceptance by others is unnecessary and causes great suffering within me.

They are still moments that I recall being this person who wants to belong so badly. It is time to shed these old beliefs and behaviors,  and it is time to move onto a new way of being. It is this letting go process that has caused me some angst.

I feel this internal struggle to move forward, but also this force that pulls me back.This internal struggle is the process through which I currently am going. I know in time that I will move forward onto my new path without ever looking back again. (Copyright 2019 awakening journey with all rights reserved)