I have perfected the art of self sabotage in my life, and have observed myself in the past engaging in this destruction. As many of you may know, my childhood was one filled with abuse, mental illness, and violence. I knew something was terribly wrong with my life even at the age of eight, and set my intentions for a different life for myself.
However, it was when I attended college that I actually became aware of my emotional wounds and injuries from my childhood. I dated men who physically and sexually abused me, belittled me, and took advantage of me, and had women friends who were mentally ill and emotionally manipulative and cruel. I began therapy in my senior year of college, although it took nearly two years before I mustered the courage to face my childhood pain. Then, I continued in various forms of therapies and emotional/spiritual healing work for most of my life that I share on my Blogsite Homepage.
Throughout my adult life, my unresolved emotional wounds followed me around. When I finally married a kind and gentle man who loved and cared for me, I lost interest in him romantically and had affairs with abusive and destructive men to whom I felt drawn to sexually and emotionally. What I have discovered is that we cannot will ourselves to change our lives externally, but this change must come from healing ourselves within.
Five years ago, my Kundalini energy rose and I began to change my life in earnest, as I was determined once and for all that my life must change for the better. I faltered many times during these five years, and inflicted horrible pain upon myself by engaging with abusive and destructive individuals due to my self loathing. I learned as a child to loath myself, and felt I didn’t deserve to be treated with love, compassion, or kindness. As a result as an adult, I allowed others to treat me unkindly and abusively.
My spiritual journey has been very dark, as many of yours may be as well. It is through this journey that I saw how truly dark my life was, and that my only path forward is towards the light to save myself from my own destruction. Through this determination, I lifted myself into the light through finding love for the little girl coward in the corner of my childhood home hoping to survive. I am now a proud survivor. (Copyright 2015 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)