As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship. This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us. This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy. I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.
This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape. When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them. Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts. I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.
However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me. I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.
Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father. This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now. Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating. It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me. This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.
This is what I learned from this weekend. My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship. We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together. I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)