Facing My Biggest Fear

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In my earlier post, I shared my fear of rejection and feeling unloved.  Well, my worst fear came true.  Just as I wrote about this earlier, I still must be resisting it, and now I manifested this exact thing in my life.  My partner and I have been talking about getting married.  However, this past Friday evening, he came home from work, and told me about consoling a relatively new young female coworker who always needs his guidance and help, and he was so proud to help her.

At first I did not take much notice, then I heard in his voice about not being ready to get married.  Although I felt hurt, I attributed this to my own fears and also many people are not ready to get remarried after a traumatic divorce as my partner experienced.  Then at dinner time, I sense something wasn’t right.

I saw on his cell phone a text he sent to this woman with a picture of himself.  He never shared with me that he sent anything personal to this woman individually, so I confronted him about it.  He claimed that he was simply being nice to her, and I responded that it was Sunday evening, and he was sending personal texts along with his photo to a married coworker during non-work hours.

This is not the first time I have encountered this type of behavior.  It first began with my father who had mistresses; many of them were married.  My previous boyfriend had an ongoing affair with a married women for many years.  I finally left this previous boyfriend who destroyed our relationship, and broke up the marriage of this married woman with whom he had an affair.

I have asked my current partner to no longer send personal texts, emails, or correspondences to his female coworkers as it may be perceived as sexual harassment in the workplace, and I also do not approve of his behavior with them.   I asked him to honor my request and boundaries that I need for our relationship.  I have attempted to love him without conditions, except for those behaviors that hurt us.

I am so hurt and demoralized by these events, but I must release this fear or I will bring more of this pain and suffering into my life.  I am practicing nonattachment now. For those who don’t want to love me or want to be with me, I must accept what is and not live in fear of this.  I cannot make others love me, and others cannot make me feel loved.

This love and security can only come from within me.  I also realize that I am strong, loving, kind, and compassionate.  Those who are meant to love me, will, and those who cannot love me, will not.   I cannot control how others feel about me or behave towards me. Accepting this is the first step to releasing this fear.

There is a deep sadness within me for these losses in my life.  The men I loved, particularly my father, abandoned me and my family emotionally to be with other women.  Later the men I met, looked elsewhere for their needs and affections.  Maybe I just need to mourn these losses, so I can move forward to a life without this pain and suffering.  May I be guided by the Divine through this dark part of my journey. (Copyright 2019 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

8 comments on “Facing My Biggest Fear

  1. It is a refreshing change to hear people facing their fears… and while we feel into them we remember the truth of how we don’t need anyone who acts in the old ways around us. This allows us to easily leave and move on to join the kind and loving souls who are loving themselves completely too… much love to you on your journey, Barbara x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The hardest thing is facing your greatest fears, and here you are embracing it with grace and love. You search for answers within and desire Love and Growth. I think that is exactly what you will find as you move forward. Don’t stop loving or seeking your truth. Keep trusting in the divine, you don’t walk this path alone. Hugs I am sorry you are hurting. Know that you are strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words, Heidi. I made clear to my partner that these behaviors must stop, or I will leave him. I am not afraid of being alone, as I have been alone before. These behaviors stopped just as I ended my own fears within about being rejected. Isn’t that a coincidence?!? Sending love and light to you!

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