Facing My Demons

demons

As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Advertisements

Loving Fearlessly

rose-piano-hd-live-fearlessly-quote

When we live without fear, we are able to love fearlessly.  After five years of emotional healing and spiritual work, I finally learned to love fearlessly.  My fears of abandonment, being unloveable, and rejection are in my past, and I am living a different life now.

Recently, when I went through a box of old journals and notebooks, I found a page written in early 2013 about reading some books on Abraham Hicks on the law of attraction, and learning to energetically aligning with what we want.  Essentially, we energetically become what we want to attract.

Our aura or energetic frequency is composed of our emotional and mental vibrations.  Trauma, negative experiences, and emotional injuries create a certain vibration which attracts similar vibrations.  Many will meet or attract those who continue to abuse, hurt, and injure them, and cannot understand why this is happening as I did for a long time.

In this journal on this page, I found a list of things I wrote that I want in my life, including a loving, honest, and loyal relationship, a fulfilling and satisfying career, and my own healing and becoming my higher self. As I reflected on these words, I realize that I have received all that I asked for.

These miracles of finding my soulmate, finding a fulfilling job at a university where I am helping many students, and internal peace and love for myself are the results of changing my energetic frequency to attract what I want.  May you heal and attract what you want. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved).

In the End

6360004036005151341971270067_9

In the end, everything works out for the best. Over four years ago, I was involved in a destructive triangle with two Kundalini active people. As I was abused as a child, this was the dynamic from my childhood. These two individuals were married to others when they became emotionally and energetically involved.

The irony in all this, is that the spouses of these two individuals moved onto others who love them now, and they are in happy committed relationships. When I was involved with the man in this triangle, the woman was married to someone else.

Even I moved on to find love in my life, and am in a committed relationship with someone who is perfect for me. It appeared that these two individuals served as life lessons for all three of us of what we don’t want in our lives.

As a result of meeting these two Kundalini active people, I was able to find, after letting them go, a loving and kind man who is good to me. I am grateful that I met these two Kundalini active individuals because I will never repeat this type of behavior with anyone else again.

I believe these two individuals serve as important life lessons for many they encounter.  As I reflect back now, I am no longer angry, but I feel very grateful that they forced me to let go of my past, and showed me the right  and higher path. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Family Karma

014c3655efc6c95b959538a6018c4ba9

This weekend, I spent time with my favorite cousin. She is a schizophrenic who has recovered amazingly well and is living a full and productive life. Our time together was learning about each other, since we have not spent much time together since childhood.

This was an important weekend together since it gave us the opportunity to set healthy boundaries now that we are both recovered from our illnesses. As we began our weekend, we reverted to our childhood behaviors that was very dysfunctional and unhealthy.

We share similar family dynamics, since we grew up together. Our family shared incest, narcissism, violence, mental illness, and abuse. I believe this is our family Karma. As the weekend progressed, we acknowledge many of these dysfunctions within our family.

On the last evening of our visit, I raised awareness of how we were behaving and acting toward each other. I addressed that we were reverting back to our old and dysfunctional behaviors. My cousin was able to recognize the same, and agreed that we needed to change our dynamics together.

I felt very encouraged that we are moving forward together, although none of the other members of our family has done so. She has been my only ally in my emotional recovery work and spiritual growth. I feel so blessed that I have another family member who is attempting to change her life for the better, and spiritually progress for her soul life. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Building Trust

image

As many of my readers know about my history, my father was a philanderer who lied to my family to hide his philandering. As an adult, I became attracted to philanderers and liars.   My resulting adult life was filled with angst of distrusting men and suspicious of their intentions and actions. In the recent past, a man I dated brought many of these fears to the surface.  While dating me, he was involved with countless other women and passed a deadly sexually transmitted disease to me and other women. This relationship really shook me and caused me to shy away from sex all together.

On this phase of my journey, I am attempting to overcome my distrust of men. First, I am aware of my feelings of distrust caused by my past experiences. In my current relationship, I am dealing with these waves of fear of being hurt and lied to again in my life. As these waves come over me, I allow them to release without reacting to them. I realize that all men have women friends as long we have a solid relationship, those other women do not bother me.

With philandering men, I notice that their attention and time are frequently redirected to the interest of other women at the expense of passing up time with me. As I am an intuit, I know when someone is lying to me, or attempting to deceive me. I frequently have confronted them to their dismay.

Every man deserves a chance.  However, once they stray then I move on as I believe I deserve so much better. I don’t need leftovers as there are many fish in the sea.  If we don’t demand better treatment, then we will never receive better treatment. This is what I have learned the hard way. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

First Step to Transformation

transformation1

It has taken me most of this lifetime to find inner peace.  It has always been illusive to me because I wanted to control everyone, everything, and all situations around me.  As a person who experienced childhood abuse, this is the natural response after experiencing trauma. Most people are on auto pilot using the same negative behaviors and coping skills throughout our lives.

Many people including myself engaged in negative behaviors or coping skills without any awareness as that was how we survived our trauma.  We continue to use the same coping skills and negative behaviors in our every day life until one day we see patterns exhibited in our lives full of failures, disappointments, and frustrations.

We awaken to who we have become as a result of our negative experiences, traumas, or abuses.  This awakening is the realization that our lives are not the outcomes we had hope, and is not the life we want to be living.  It is a rude awakening for many of us including myself.  I had become the person that I vowed never to become.

This realization, recognition, and acknowledgment of who I had become was a necessary step to changing my life. It is not an optional step in transformation.  Many people who are alcoholic, drug addicts, abusers, etc. will tell you that every recovery program requires this acknowlegment before recovering may begin.

Sometimes, the first step is the hardest.  The recovery work is difficult, but recovery cannot take place until we have acknowledged our problems and reality. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Accepting the End

15578405_923447721089850_1450415020944488815_n

When I saw this above meme, I realize it was speaking to me.  For the past five years, I have been letting go of everything I have ever known or understood about my own life.  It is a gradual process of releasing my ego’s identity and how I see myself.  It is the Dark Night of the Soul as many describe on their spiritual journeys.

This awareness and recognition of who I was and my darkness within, gave me the vision and intention to change my life once and for all.  Along the way, I had to leave my old negative patterns of behaviors and thinking, and leaving people, things and places behind in order to transform my own life.

I do not believe it is possible to keep your old life, and live a completely different new life. In my opinion, it is an illusion and fiction we tell ourselves so as to avoid doing the necessary hard and real emotional work in order to transform and heal.

I have observed many including Kundalini active individuals who exist through spiritual bypass.  Please see my earlier post on “Awareness of Spiritual Bypass.”  During spiritual bypass, they focus on intuitive powers and only on the spiritual light, experience ego inflation, avoid the darkness that is within each of us, or engaged in inappropriate or abusive behaviors convincing themselves that this is intended to help others.  Unfortunately, a life changing or traumatic event in their lives will bring them back to their unresolved emotional issues as they have been operating in ego or smaller selves.

I have come to understand that Kundalini active individuals are no different than others.  Although we have heightened intuitive abilities and have the ability to accerelerate our emotional healing, if we don’t raise our consciousness, release our egos, or confont the darkness within us, no healing will take place and our intuitive abilities may be used to harm others through manipulations by convincing ourselves that this is intended to help others.

I have been the victim of such spiritual abuse and have observed Kundalini active individuals engaged in sexual exploitation, sexual molestation, sexual assault, marital infidelity, and others boundary violations. I have since forgiven them for these trepasses. However, if you don’t use your gifts for good, you can lie to yourself and others by convincing yourself that these violations are to help and benefit others.

Our ego’s denial is a tricky thing, and we all fall prey to it.  If we identify with ego, we will believe this denial.  It is easier to just see the light within ourselves, but it is the darkness within that we must confront and transform before true light is possible.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

Healing the Trifecta

fb_img_1480565911720

There are three other members of my immediate family, including my parents and my younger brother.  Because of the abuse and dysfunctions within my family, which I believe is our family karma, I needed to overcome the abuse and dysfunctions of my family, including the roles I played with each member of my family.

About five years ago, I encountered a Kundalini active man who represented my father.  He sexually assaulted me, gave me a sexually transmitted disease, and emotionally manipulated me for my money, although I was not the only woman in this situation.  When I met him, I knew he represented my father, and I think he knew it too as I told him frequently.

Because I wanted to be near him, I applied for a job at the college where he works.  When I arrived at this college, I worked for a supervisor who is very mentally ill, irrational, and emotionally unstable.  When I began working for her, I realized that she represented my mother.

During these five years, I worked to overcome my fears of these two individuals as I was terrified, sad, and felt powerless around them.  I learned to stand up for myself, learned that I am worthy and deserve good things, and stopped giving my power to them.  Almost two years ago, I walked away from this man in March 2015, and during this same month, my supervisor was fired from her job although she was given the opportunity to retire.

Strangely, in March 2015, I hired a new staff member for my office who represents my brother.  He is a codepedent who also suffered childhood abuse in his life, and we share a similar relationship like the one I have with my brother.  During these nearly two years, I trained him for the job in my office.  However, I also knew that as long as I was his supervisor, he would continue to stay as a codependent.  My leaving this college will empower him to become independent.

Recently, I accepted another university job in California, and will be leaving my current college.  I realized that I needed to leave this college, because my job is done here as I have overcome my role with my father, mother, and brother.   My family lives in California, and I am finally ready to be with them as I already have practiced how to be with them.

I have gained self esteem, learned self love, and now am able to stand up for myself without needing their approval or acceptance of me.  It is through these difficult interactions and healing my emotional wounds that will allow me to finally be with my family without becoming a victim again.   Since I am different, my relationships with my family will be different too.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Healing the Heart

26c15ce2d0ff9b23189a52678a34702e

The human heart is so very fragile and yet resilient.  It is able to endure so much pain and hurt, but it also can easily be wounded by those we love.  Recently, during a meeting with a sexually assaulted student with whom I worked disclosed that she had been sexually abused as child, tears streamed down her face as we talked about her emotional wounds. Yet behind her sad tears, I can feel just how truly strong she is, and that she will find her way to healing.

As we talked about her sexual assault, we talked about how she can begin to heal her emotional pain and to help her become stronger so she can better protect herself.  She explained that she thought she had already resolved these issues in her life, and cannot understand why these situations still trigger her.

As I looked into her eyes, I explained that emotional healing is like an onion or a spiral, as there are many layers of pain we have stored from years of emotional wounds.  In order to heal it, we must heal each layer like the layers of an onion.  In the center of this onion is our heart, we must heal all the layers until we find our fragile but resilient heart.

Through this healing, she will learn to love herself, and care for herself the way she deserves as we all deserve.  No matter how deep the emotional wounds, I believe we all are able to heal ourselves and find love within our hearts for ouselves. May you find this self love! Sending love and blessings to you. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)