Facing My Demons

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As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

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Twin Flame Traps

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As you ascend with your Twin Flames, there are some warnings I wanted to provide to those also in Twin Flame relationships.  There are many pitfalls and traps involved in this relationship just as any other, but the intensity of Twin Flame relationships can result in obsessive and co-dependent behaviors.

Because Twin Flames are friendship and passion on fire, we are essentially playing with fire.  Because we are so in tuned with our twin as we enjoy the same things, have similar professions, have similar missions, have similar hobbies, and have the same belief systems, we are completely in sync with our twins, and have great passion through tantra together,  it is not unusual to fall into these traps and pitfalls.

The energy between Twin Flames feel so comfortable and comforting, you want to spend every hour together doing absolutely everything together because we are the same.  The passion is through the roof with endless hours of tantric sexual connection.  All this good vibes can easily result in obsessing about our twin every minute of every day when we have jobs to fulfill and other life obligations.

The co-dependency occurs when we are so connected energetically, emotionally, and spiritually with our twin that we lose where they end and where we begin in this relationship.  We must be conscious and aware that we are still separate people with our own identity. Recently, I sat down with my Twin Flame to discuss these issues concerning me.

As Twin Flames, we communicate through unconditional love and compassion about these important issues. If we are to ascend with our twin, we must work together to resolve these issues that are even more pronounced due to the Twin Flame fire that fuel this intensity to a degree I have never experienced before with another.  May you find your path back on track with your Twin Flame.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Relearning Love

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During this phase of my spiritual journey, I am relearning love. In my family of origin, I associated love with abuse, violence, narcissism, and fear. The lessons I learned in the past five years taught me that love does not involve yearning, clinging, cravings, insecurity, possession, or jealousy. I have come to realize that I have never truly loved anyone and have never truly been loved by anyone.

I am relearning how to love now in my life. As I have recently learned how to love myself, I am learning how to love others unconditionally. Love is behavior we learn through our family of origin. As an adult now, I am having to relearn how to love others and myself.

Love, particular romantic love, feels very different for me than from my past. I realize now that love is peaceful and safe. It is not only the intensity of sexual attraction  which I believe is temporary. Love feels very different for me now, because the yearning, craving, insecurity, and fear no longer exist in my relationships. Even my friendships, feel different than in my past because they involve mutual respect of our needs and boundaries.

As I progressed in my spiritual journey, I am relearning and experiencing my world completely differently. Sometimes, it feels like I am living another life as someone else. As I experienced my world now, my higher self is telling me that this is real love and that my life has changed forever. ( copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Creating Our Illusions

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Through addiction, we create an  illusion for our lives. Some are addicted to people called codependency, some to places called destination addiction, some to substances such as drugs or alcohol, and some to activities such as work, gambling or gaming.

Addiction is a form of self medication or negative coping skill we developed to deal with our trauma or loss. It is a way of escaping or suppressing the negative emotions that exist within us. We even find others or are attracted to others with the same addiction to validate our illusions.

I had destination addiction for a long time. The big difference in my life now is I no longer wish I am somewhere else to be happy. Every day, I recalled an exotic location to dream about my happiness there. These day dreams would be a romantizied memory of my past. This is called destination addiction, and truly is only an escape from my unhappy life.

I am learning to find happiness within myself wherever I am. True happiness does not exist in another place, even a beautiful place. True happiness is in the current moment in your present life. May you find happiness where you are! (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

First Step to Transformation

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It has taken me most of this lifetime to find inner peace.  It has always been illusive to me because I wanted to control everyone, everything, and all situations around me.  As a person who experienced childhood abuse, this is the natural response after experiencing trauma. Most people are on auto pilot using the same negative behaviors and coping skills throughout our lives.

Many people including myself engaged in negative behaviors or coping skills without any awareness as that was how we survived our trauma.  We continue to use the same coping skills and negative behaviors in our every day life until one day we see patterns exhibited in our lives full of failures, disappointments, and frustrations.

We awaken to who we have become as a result of our negative experiences, traumas, or abuses.  This awakening is the realization that our lives are not the outcomes we had hope, and is not the life we want to be living.  It is a rude awakening for many of us including myself.  I had become the person that I vowed never to become.

This realization, recognition, and acknowledgment of who I had become was a necessary step to changing my life. It is not an optional step in transformation.  Many people who are alcoholic, drug addicts, abusers, etc. will tell you that every recovery program requires this acknowlegment before recovering may begin.

Sometimes, the first step is the hardest.  The recovery work is difficult, but recovery cannot take place until we have acknowledged our problems and reality. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Love: Living Beyond Dependency

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The truth is that most of our relationships are dependencies.  Love is unconditional while dependency requires the condition that we are with the other person or that we serve certain conditions in each other’s lives.  Dependency is a form of addiction.  All my relationships until recently have been dependencies, either serving as a victim or an enabler.

As I move forward on my spiritual journey, I have very honest conversations with myself about who I still have dependency relationships in my current life.  These are the signs I have come to realize that strongly indicate dependency relationships:

  1. If either person fears doing or saying things as the other will become upset or angry.
  2.  If either person become upset or angry when they can’t control outcomes.
  3. If either person is not happy for the other when one is successful and moving forward in their life.
  4. If either person will not allow relationships with third-parties without jealousy, drama, or arguments.
  5. If either person feel that their happiness is dependent on the other in this relationship, and can’t live without the other.
  6. If either person needs to seek love outside of themselves.
  7. If either person is waiting to be saved (victim), or is a care giver (enabler).
  8. If either person blames the other for how they feel or their failures.

If these signs exhibit in your relationships, you have dependency relationships with others. Before I began my spiritual journey five years ago, I exhibited all these signs in all my relationships, and I was a difficult person to be with. I loathed myself, had little self esteem, and gave from a place of lack.  When I raised my consciousness about who I was, it was difficult to see this darkness about myself.

I began to change my life for the better, once I was able to see the truth about myself. I began to learn self acceptance, self love, independence, self sufficiency, and ridding the negative patterns in my life one of which is leaving dependency relationships behind.  Even if these relationships are virtual like on social media, I can still feel their anger and rage through their words and energy.

With each day, I leave more and more dependency relationships behind as I prefer being alone to dependency relationships in my life now.   Sometimes, it takes great determination to leave these people, things, and situations that no longer serve our highest potential.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Understanding Rage

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I have come to understand that all humans have rage, but just in differing degrees.  This rage is the result of unadressed accumulated painful or traumatic experiences over the course of many soul lives. Rage can be expressed outwardly or inwardly, or a combination of the two.

I have observed many who turn their rage inwardly toward themselves.  They self mutilate and harm, such as cutting, suicide attempts, substance abuse, anorexia, addictions, etc. Other turn their rage outwardly by harming others, such as verbal and physical altercations, physical and sexual assaults, destruction of theirs or others possessions, instigation conflicts, etc.

Earlier in my life, I exhibited turning the rage toward myself through self harm as I was so depressed and anxious that I had suicidal thoughts and addictions, but I also exhibited anger outwardly as I instigated conflicts, started verbal altercations, and destroyed possessions.  I am not proud of my past, but I acknowledged and confronted my reality in order to change these negative patterns in my life.

When I am around others who exhibit these behaviors now, I provide resources and support to them when they request help and assistance.  However, the majority of the people I encounter still are in deep denial and in deep slumber.  It appears that awakening is still very far off for them because of their fear of the truth. I also believe that those who are Kundalini active still may remain in denial, as the rise of Kundalini energy does not equate to awakening or enlightenment as this energy merely provide the potential for awakening or enlightenment.

It has been difficult for me as I help those who ask for help, but I also move on from those who remain in denial.  I believe that my energy is better served to help those who are on the cusp of awareness and transformation, but my energy is simply wasted on those who wish to remain in denial. It feels like bashing my head against a brick wall over and over again.  I try to send these people love and healing energy from afar, but I choose to move onto those who really want and accept my help for their transformation.

During this holiday, I wish for peace, love, and awareness for all of humanity.  May we heal ourselves and our world. Sending blessings of love, peace, and joy to you! (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Breaking the Bonds of Codependency

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This weekend is a great exercise in letting go, and breaking free from codependency. Codependency is the oppositve of love as it is our need to fill the void by another because we cannot love ourselves. Do not confused codependency with love.  If you have not learned to love yourself first, your relationships are codependencies.

Two friends this week tried to pursuade me to stay in small rural conservative community where I currently live, and college where I work. I have always lived in large cities with very diverse progressive communities, and I will be moving next to such a place.

After explaining for hours my reasons for leaving and my need to move forward on my spiritual journey, I finaly told these people that I am sorry, but where my spiritual journey takes me is where my journey takes me.  Regrettably, they cannot come on my journey as they must travel on their own path.

I realize that when I have been working feverishly nearly everyday on my emotional healing and spiritual work, they have stayed in the same emotional place as when I first met them four years ago.   During these four years, they have become codependents while I have been striving to detached and become independent.

Breaking the patterns of codependency is very difficult as I have been a codependent in all my relationships for most of my life.  For the first time, I am flying solo and finally feel free from the bondage of codependency.

Many do not understand why I need to break these patterns, because they still practice these negative patterns.  They are confused as to why these patterns must change in order to have a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life.  It is something they cannot fully understand, but must be experienced.

On some level, we all want the healthier, happier, and more peaceful life, but most are unwilling to give up the old patterns of negative behaviors.  These patterns are difficult to break as many are unaware that they are practicing these negative patterns.

In the past, I tried to help others see this negative pattern, but now I do not try as they become extremely defensive and even combative.   If a friend asks my opinion, I will share my thoughts, but each person must be ready to hear and face their own darkness on their own time and terms. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

Breaking Old Patterns

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This morning, I wrote on my FB page about breaking community patterns and urged my FB friends as follows:

“Remember, there is a lesson in everything we experience. Maybe this is America’s lesson. Instead of waiting for our President to protect its people, it is time for each of us to do more to help those who are marginalized. We are not victims of our circumstances when we stand up and empower others who need our help!”

In my own life, I have begun to break old patterns.  My pattern looks like this. I attract and engage with others with dysfunctional behaviors and thinking.  For example, I had a friend who will not acknowledge what is happening in our friendship as she does not support me, she does not want to see me happy, and does not understand or support my spiritual journey.   She holds me back as she is unable to move forward herself.  When I confront her about this, she lashes out, becomes anxious, and then engages in acting out drama behaviors .

This is how it feels to me.  I do not look forward to seeing her, every time I engage with her I cannot be myself, her needs and demands overshadow everyone around her, and now I do not feel connected to her.  This is an old pattern of mine as I also engaged in similar behaviors.  It is the pattern that I am trying to break.

My higher self tells me that if I can break this pattern that I will find a different life with different kinds of friends.  This friend also repeatedly pursuades me to stay in this pattern with her by staying at my current jobs and in my current life.   When I share about my new relationship, she is jealous, and it appears that she does not encourage me to be in any relationship.

Recently, I made a difficult decision to break free from her.  It is regrettable, but when we break patterns, we also must leave those behind who continue to engage in these old patterns.  It is like an alcoholic who wants to give up their addiction to alcohol.  In order to succeed, they must give up their drinking buddies.

It was a difficult decision for me, but I believe it is the right decision for my journey forward.  May you find the strength to break old patterns. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)