Facing My Demons

demons

As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Accepting the End

15578405_923447721089850_1450415020944488815_n

When I saw this above meme, I realize it was speaking to me.  For the past five years, I have been letting go of everything I have ever known or understood about my own life.  It is a gradual process of releasing my ego’s identity and how I see myself.  It is the Dark Night of the Soul as many describe on their spiritual journeys.

This awareness and recognition of who I was and my darkness within, gave me the vision and intention to change my life once and for all.  Along the way, I had to leave my old negative patterns of behaviors and thinking, and leaving people, things and places behind in order to transform my own life.

I do not believe it is possible to keep your old life, and live a completely different new life. In my opinion, it is an illusion and fiction we tell ourselves so as to avoid doing the necessary hard and real emotional work in order to transform and heal.

I have observed many including Kundalini active individuals who exist through spiritual bypass.  Please see my earlier post on “Awareness of Spiritual Bypass.”  During spiritual bypass, they focus on intuitive powers and only on the spiritual light, experience ego inflation, avoid the darkness that is within each of us, or engaged in inappropriate or abusive behaviors convincing themselves that this is intended to help others.  Unfortunately, a life changing or traumatic event in their lives will bring them back to their unresolved emotional issues as they have been operating in ego or smaller selves.

I have come to understand that Kundalini active individuals are no different than others.  Although we have heightened intuitive abilities and have the ability to accerelerate our emotional healing, if we don’t raise our consciousness, release our egos, or confont the darkness within us, no healing will take place and our intuitive abilities may be used to harm others through manipulations by convincing ourselves that this is intended to help others.

I have been the victim of such spiritual abuse and have observed Kundalini active individuals engaged in sexual exploitation, sexual molestation, sexual assault, marital infidelity, and others boundary violations. I have since forgiven them for these trepasses. However, if you don’t use your gifts for good, you can lie to yourself and others by convincing yourself that these violations are to help and benefit others.

Our ego’s denial is a tricky thing, and we all fall prey to it.  If we identify with ego, we will believe this denial.  It is easier to just see the light within ourselves, but it is the darkness within that we must confront and transform before true light is possible.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

The Dark Night of the Soul of America

tumblr_inline_n2o2ouwxrz1qz7265

As many of you have heard the United States elected Donald Trump to be our next President.  Some Americans are in deep shock, mourning, and grief.  The reason is President-elect Trump used hate speech, negative rhetoric, and sexist statements and behaviors in his campaign. Many Americans are deeply disturbed and distressed by the election results. How is it possibe that this man has been elected by the majority of our country?

As many of my readers know, I work on a college campus on sexually assaults and discrimination matters involving our students, faculty, and staff.  Many of our students have expressed fear for their safety. Our college president recently spoke to the campus to reassure us and to ask for tolerance and civility.  I will be meeting with our international students next week to educate them on where and how to receive assistance, protection, and support on our campus.

Amist all this turmoil, my higher self has risen to the challenge.  Her voice is louder than ever, and she is no longer a faint voice in the background, but a thundering voice of reason.  I believe that my personal spiritual journey of emotional healing has prepared me for what my country is about to face. One by one, countries throughout the world have devolved into hatred, violence, and corruption, even the ones we never expected.

Last Tuesday’s presidential election was the Dark Night of the Soul for America.  We are realizing that we don’t live in the country that we believe, we tolerate hate and violence, and we are complicit in oppresssing and marginalizing the less powerful and fortunate.  It is a dark place indeed.

As I have personally faced the dark night of the soul more than once, I too reflect on my personal losses. It is through these losses that I realized who I was and what I had become due to my life circumstances.  My life had devolved into victimhood, powerlessness, suffering, and perpetual physical and emotional pain. One of my greatest losses was my friend Patricia.  She is a spiritual, compassionate, and kind woman who helps the less fortunate.

I was so consumed by my abuses, traumas, pain, suffering, self hate, and negativity that she no longer could tolerate being my friend.  This is who I had become, and I lost someone I loved in my life.  To this day, I do not blame her for leaving me, as I had become intolerable to be around.  It was through these difficult losses in my personal life that forced me to take a deep, hard look at myself, and I did not like what I saw. Patricia reflected back to me who I had become, and I needed to take action to change myself and my life.

Five years ago, I worked in earnest to turn my life around.  I left my addictions, negative patterns, rage, and pain behind by confronting my past traumas, abuses, and negative patterns.  It was a dark five years for me, but I am now finding light in my life, although all of this is new and unchartered territory for me.

It is a brand new day in my personal life, and with this new found power, I shall share it with my students, community, and country.  This power is within each of us, but we must first face our own darkness, before we can find our power and light. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)