THE ART OF LETTING GO – A TRUE SELECTION OF AWAKENING EXPERIENCES PART III

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This is my contribution to Barbara Franken’s A True Selection of Awakening Experiences Part III.  Thank you, Barbara for including me!

The most dramatic changes I have experienced during my spiritual journey during the past seven years involved letting go.  This process of letting go forced me to give up my past expectations, and the familiar patterns to become the person I am today.

My life began as child moving from relative to relative until I was eight years old. When I finally united with my parents, I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused.  During most of my childhood, I suffered post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety.  As a young adult, I wanted to end my life many times.

I began psychotherapy in college as I was involved with men who physically, sexually and emotionally abused and assaulted me that was similar to my family dynamic.   I realized then that something was terribly wrong in my life.

In March, 2011, my Kundalini energy rose during a meditation session that caused utter chaos and confusion in my life as I never heard of Kundalini and was not particularly spiritual or religious.  Thus, began my spiritual journey that transformed my life and soul path.  I left my career to work with college students who have experienced sexual assault,  domestic/dating violence, stalking, and sexual harassment. I left my marriage that was not serving or understood my higher path and calling.

When  I arrived at these colleges to work with college students, dramatic shifts began to take place there.  Suddenly, Presidents were fired, Vice Presidents left, and high level administrators were terminated.  In all these situations, I had no authority to remove or terminate them, but events began to occur around me and around the work I was doing.

Now, I am evolving to a third phase of my transformation in my life and soul path.  I have been told that I am coming to the end of the second phase of my evolution. It is now time for me to share my professional and spiritual knowledge as I will assume the role of teacher/educator, and pass the direct service work with college students to the next generation.  However, in order for me to evolve to this third phase, I must continue to let go.

My post today is to share with you the art of letting go.  This is how I accomplish this:

  1.  Set the intention that you want to evolve and move forward to the next phase of your life and soul path.
  2. Fear will begin to surface, and you may vacillate in your decision to move forward.
  3. Begin to change expectations that are old patterns.  These expectations involve what you expect of yourself and others around you.
  4. Begin to let go of control and expectations of outcome, and allow the Infinite to guide you.  Everything will turn out exactly as it is intended and best for you.
  5. As you proceed in this letting go, fear will repeatedly speak to you through your ego.  You may hear that you will fail, it is too risky, and you have no guarantees. This will soon pass. Work through these fears by using Observing Ego Practice, an exercise that I use and share on my blog, Awakening Journey.
  6. Begin to change your behavior by actively preparing and moving toward your new intentions and ventures.  Since I want to teach and educate others, I am seeking opportunities in this area and working very  hard everyday toward this.
  7. Genuinely accept yourself and those things that you cannot control.
  8. Imagine in your mind of being successful in this new venture or life and feeling accomplished and happy.  This will help you manifest this new future. Finally, live this life you have imagined.

May you let go of old patterns and evolve to the soul that you are meant to be. (Copyright 2018 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

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The Dark Night of the Soul of America

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As many of you have heard the United States elected Donald Trump to be our next President.  Some Americans are in deep shock, mourning, and grief.  The reason is President-elect Trump used hate speech, negative rhetoric, and sexist statements and behaviors in his campaign. Many Americans are deeply disturbed and distressed by the election results. How is it possibe that this man has been elected by the majority of our country?

As many of my readers know, I work on a college campus on sexually assaults and discrimination matters involving our students, faculty, and staff.  Many of our students have expressed fear for their safety. Our college president recently spoke to the campus to reassure us and to ask for tolerance and civility.  I will be meeting with our international students next week to educate them on where and how to receive assistance, protection, and support on our campus.

Amist all this turmoil, my higher self has risen to the challenge.  Her voice is louder than ever, and she is no longer a faint voice in the background, but a thundering voice of reason.  I believe that my personal spiritual journey of emotional healing has prepared me for what my country is about to face. One by one, countries throughout the world have devolved into hatred, violence, and corruption, even the ones we never expected.

Last Tuesday’s presidential election was the Dark Night of the Soul for America.  We are realizing that we don’t live in the country that we believe, we tolerate hate and violence, and we are complicit in oppresssing and marginalizing the less powerful and fortunate.  It is a dark place indeed.

As I have personally faced the dark night of the soul more than once, I too reflect on my personal losses. It is through these losses that I realized who I was and what I had become due to my life circumstances.  My life had devolved into victimhood, powerlessness, suffering, and perpetual physical and emotional pain. One of my greatest losses was my friend Patricia.  She is a spiritual, compassionate, and kind woman who helps the less fortunate.

I was so consumed by my abuses, traumas, pain, suffering, self hate, and negativity that she no longer could tolerate being my friend.  This is who I had become, and I lost someone I loved in my life.  To this day, I do not blame her for leaving me, as I had become intolerable to be around.  It was through these difficult losses in my personal life that forced me to take a deep, hard look at myself, and I did not like what I saw. Patricia reflected back to me who I had become, and I needed to take action to change myself and my life.

Five years ago, I worked in earnest to turn my life around.  I left my addictions, negative patterns, rage, and pain behind by confronting my past traumas, abuses, and negative patterns.  It was a dark five years for me, but I am now finding light in my life, although all of this is new and unchartered territory for me.

It is a brand new day in my personal life, and with this new found power, I shall share it with my students, community, and country.  This power is within each of us, but we must first face our own darkness, before we can find our power and light. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

 

Facing My Dark Night

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During the Dark Night of the Soul, many issues of betrayal and trust have come up for me.  In order to engage in healthy relationships with others, I must overcome these fears of betrayal and trust as well as change my own decisions and behaviors.  My first experience with betrayal and trust began with my own father who forced me to lie and cover up about my sexual abuse he caused.

Because sexual abuse of your own child is such a taboo in any culture, his survival depended upon my willingness to cover up my own sexual abuse by him.  As an adult these type of dynamics repeated in my life where I became involved in relationships where I kept such secrets, and engaged in betrayal and deception.

Five years ago, I was a part of “triangulation” where a man with whom I had an affair was already dating another married woman.  In this dynamic, because I dated him later, I became the other woman in this triangle.  Throughout this on and off relationship, he hid me from her by hiding our interactions, refusing to acknowledge me on Facebook, and coving up my existence in his life.

There were actually four triangles with three occurring concurrently as this woman was already married so she was having an affair with my ex-boyfriend. Her husband also had an affair unbeknownst to her.  My ex-boyfriend while he was still married engaged in an affair with this married woman.  He also cheated on her by having me on the side, and I was married at the time.  All three marriages in these triangles dissolved and was destroyed by these betrayals and breach of trust.  This is karma at work.

As you can already tell by all this drama, betrayal, chaos, and deception, it was all terribly destructive and disturbing.  It takes a lot of very emotionally injured people to play out such destruction, and I was just as responsible as all these individuals.  In this story, reality was far more destructive and bizarre than fiction.

Now, I am in the process of healing this part of me where I was betrayed, and also became the betrayer myself.  This type of “triangulation” is a sign of serious emotional dysfunction caused by past emotional injuries or trauma.  In order to heal these parts of us, we must first admit to what we did, and take responsibility for what we did to ourselves and others.

I have set an intention never to repeat these decisions and behaviors again.  In fact, my vibrational frequency has changed significantly so that I no longer vibrate with this type of negative vibrational frequency.  These behaviors and vibrations no longer resonate with me as I find these behaviors repulsive and dissonant to my current energy.

It is through healing my emotional injuries from childhood and later in adulthood that will  give me another chance at my life of being the best possible version of myself, and living on the path of the highest good. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Uncovering True Reality

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There is a time during our spiritual journeys that we uncover our true reality we were unable to see before our awakening.  This reality is finally finding out we are flawed, and filled with emotional pain.  This does not make us unvaluable, but merely that it is the important acknowledgment of our problems to begin working toward changing ourselves for the better.

I first began to see my true reality as I observed those around me who unfortunately were very much like me.  They were flawed in similar ways and were emotionally wounded in similar manners.  I observed their defensiveness and feelings of hurt exposed for all the world to see.  I called people like me,”the walking wounded.”

Every statement made by others hurt or offended me.  I went home after every encounter to cry or rant about how I have been wronged and how I am terribly victimized. These were the types of people I attracted because this was who I was.  When I repeatedly observed these traits in those I attracted, I realized this is who I am too.  This realization really floored and shocked me, but it was the beginning of uncovering my true reality.

Now, I see myself in my true reality, and I still observe myself reverting to who I was, but I quickly acknowledge this and catch myself.  Now, I acknowledge my own over-reactions due to my emotional wounds, and I forgive myself for my reactions.  I am slowly, but steadily becoming a better version of myself through just this simply observing rather than reacting to my life circumstances.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

The Transformation

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As some of my readers know, I have evolved so much recently, and I have decided to take the next big step on my journey.  I had a poignant conversation with someone in my life who I love dearly.  My friend is like a little sister to me, and I am leaving her as I move forward.  As I clean out my closets during my move as it is symbolic of clearing out my emotional closet, I am giving away many of my possessions.

For two weeks, I waited for my friend to pick up these items that I set aside for her. Repeatedly, she was delayed, and postponed picking up these itmes.  Finally, I texted her and explained about my putting my house on the market as I intend to leave here, and that I can no longer wait for her to pick up these items.  I decided to just drop off these items at her home.

As I saw her that day, she said, “You are leaving me.”  I did not feel guilty by her words, but simply replied, “I have out grown this place, and must move forward. I can’t tell you how excited I am about my new life.”  I no longer react to others, but simply state my reasons very calmly.   I just tell people that this is what I must do, and it is not personal to them.

This above exchange is quite symbolic of my recent evolution.  As others are caught up in their every day details of living and egos, I see a path before me with my higher self guiding me on my journey forward.  My life is simply different now, as I feel a purpose and direction for my life.  I know what I need to serve my higher purpose in helping others.

I am clear about my direction in my personal life too.  My higher self tells me to take on challenges, and not to be afraid. Even if the relationship fails, I must try as it will serve a purpose for my soul growth.  I live more fearlessly now, and my world opens up beyond the minutia of life and ego.  It is a powerful experience, and I am humbled by it. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Creating Good Karma

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Events in our lives are clues and signs along our spiritual journey.  A recent event showed me that my work is not done here at the college where I work. It is telling me that I need to make sure things are in place and help the new President transition to a healthy and functional place for the students, faculty, and staff here.  This was the message when I was ready to give up and move on recently.

How do you know if the message is for you to let go or hang on?  This is what I have found.  If doing something is for selfish reasons or our egos, and it’s hard, let it go.  If doing something is to benefit others and it’s hard, hang on. This has been difficult for me to decipher; like hieroglyphics, it’s not so clear or obvious.

When hard work results in a positive outcome for many people, it is probably a sign to hang on.  On the other hand, if hard work results in negative outcome for myself or others, it’s probably time to let go.  I believe it has to do with karma.  Negative karma is created when our actions hurt others or feed our egos.  Positive karma is created through helping others and kindness to others.

If you begin to follow your spiritual path based on this premise, you will be guided and create good karma in your life.  May you find your path forward through creating good karma. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Living in the Shadow of Ego

 

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Awakening is awareness of what is happening to your present existence.  Many are not aware of what is happening to them in their current life situation.  If we have not released our egos, we live in the small microscopic world of jealousy, greed, envy, resentment, rage, pain, suffering, and chaos.  This is the world created by our egos of circular thinking.

In this world, we lie to ourselves that I call self deception, repress and suppress our feelings, and live in self delusion.  In this delusional world, others are to blame for the negative outcomes of our lives, others cause hurt and pain within us, and if only others changed than our lives would be happy.  Sadly, this is utter delusion and self deception.

The first and hardest step is becoming aware and recognizing the delusional world of our existence called the “Dark Night of the Soul.”  This is an awakening experience when the soul finally recognizes what we have done to ourselves, and that we have been running around and around in a maze of our own creation.  It is the aha moment when we finally see the truth.

This is the pivitol moment in the evolution of our souls and awakening to the truth about ourselves and our lives.  We realize that we are not the smaller self of ego who points fingers at others, live in denial, and creates this delusion that is our existence.  It is the soul evolving, growing up, and becoming its authentic self.  We begin to take responsibility for our lives, live our truths, and change our lives for the better because no one else can do this for us.  May you awaken to your truth and reality. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

How Trauma and Suffering Change Us

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Yesterday, I went rocking climbing and deep water soloing with a group of twenty-something.  My time with these friends who have not experienced as many of life’s sufferings/traumas including divorce, death, and illness are very different from my older friends who are experiencing divorce (sometimes for the second time), death of their family members, and their own illnesses.

What I have observed is that there is a lightness and carefree feeling around them.  Maybe this is who I am within now after my emotional healing, so I can feel and relate to their positive emotions. Recently, I heard from several people that I must live in the now to truly let go and release my past.   Yesterday was just such as day when I felt nothing but the present in nature. All my worries from work and the stress of my life just melted away. This is living in the now!

These unresolved traumas/sufferings change us internally to someone else.  It is unoticeable to us as it occurs gradually over time. Every trauma/suffering that is unresolved within us changes us to a darker and darker self.  Until one day, we no longer reflect the  person from whom we were first born to this earth.  It is this darker self that everyone sees and who we now are attracting into our lives.  It is full of pain, suffering, and darkness.

Our spiritual journey is the return from this darker self to our spirit that we were first born to this earth.  It is a journey of renewal, shedding of this darkness, and rebirth to our true spirits.  I am on such a journey and feel the darkness shedding away one layer at a time.  I am no longer my traumas/sufferings, and am returning to my true spirit. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Facing Our Illusions

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During our spiritual journey, we face the Dark Night of the Soul.   In this period, we begin to see clearly the illusions that is our life.  We have chased after relationships, friendships, and jobs/careers that were not meant for us or not good or healthy for us, but our egos desire them and want to be right.  So, around and around we go for soul lives chasing after these illusions as they become the lives we live.

When dealing with illusions, it is not only facing them as they are not real, but we must give our intentions to leave those illusions behind, and begin a new life that is different.  If not, we will merely repeat the same unhealthy behaviors, and make the same decisions as before but with different people and situations.

I began to see my illusions in 2012 soon after my Kundalini energy rose as I was married  to someone who did not want to move forward emotionally or spiritually with me, had a lucrative career that was stressful and unrewarding, and had friends with the same emotionally unhealthy and troubled life as me.  When I realized what was happening to me, I acknowledged that I simply did not know my true self or higher self, as my ego controlled my decisions, behaviors, and reactions.

Today, my life is very different as I have done the hard work in the last three years by being alone, working on my emotional landscape through facing my worst fears nearly everyday, and making the decisions and taking the necessary actions to make true changes in my life.  I stand proud that I have become the woman that I have always dreamed of becoming.

I learned to give up my ego’s needs, desires, and dependencies, to love unconditionally my loved ones, to no longer live in fear, and to live through courage, truth, and faith that everything in my life will be perfect as I walk the path of my higher self. (Copyright 2015 Living Wide Awake with All Rights Reserved)