Steps to Healing Past Emotional Pain

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During these past few months, I have been confronted with some deep seeded distrust as a result of my childhood abuse by and a philandering father.  As an adult, I attracted men like my father into my life causing more emotional injury and trauma to my life.   This has translated into distrust of men that is deeply ingrained within me.  These past emotional injuries resulted in deep blockages within my sacral and heart chakras.  In my attempts to unblock these chakras, I have tried the following methods:

  • Letting go what you can’t control and letting go of past emotions and behaviors through intention, belief, and actions
  • Awareness of triggering thoughts, events, and statements by simply observing them without reaction
  • Acknowledge your fears through stating them out loud or writing them down
  • Forgive yourself and others for past mistakes and failures by accepting your past
  • Learning to love yourself through self care, setting healthy boundaries with others, and nurturing yourself

At the root of distrust is the lack of self love and fear.  When we fear betrayal and being hurt again, we have not forgiven ourselves and others for injuring us.  We have not learned to love ourselves through setting clear and healthy boundaries with others, and taking responsibility for and control of our actions that are forms of self love.

When we learn to let go of the past through clear intentions that we no longer want certain emotions and behaviors in our lives, we follow up with the belief that we can and will change them, then follow through with consistent change in our actions.  Good luck with healing your past emotional pain. (Copyright 2017 with All Rights Reserved)

 

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Living as an Empath

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Living as an empath has its drawbacks.  One is not knowing if feelings I am experiencing is mine or others.  Recently, I experienced three episodes of anxiety attacks while with my Twin Flame.  One of these episodes occurred near an art gallery where I felt horrible pains in my chest and in my heart chakra of emotional pain and hurt.  I ask my Twin if he had a negative experience there, and he described that a gallery owner earlier rejected his art work .

On two recent hikes together with my twin, I felt panic attacks when we were discussing about his artistic and musical pursuits.  The first episode involved anxiety with tightness in my chest, and difficult breathing.  The second episode involved tightness in my chest and nausea.  When I described these feelings to my Twin, he expressed that he had been experiencing nausea in the morning for about a year.  During each of these episodes, I sense thoughts of not being good enough or unworthiness.

I am in the process of understanding why I am experiencing feelings of panic and anxiety.  Are my feelings of unworthiness being triggered within me?  Since he is my twin, we have similar emotional wounds, so am I merely mirroring the negative emotions of unworthiness, lack, and insecurities?  As I am energetically connected to my twin, am I experiencing his symptoms of panic and anxiety?

I sense that he blames others, particularly women for his feeling of inadequacy.  Are we both blaming others for our own feelings of inadequacy?  Maybe this is simply a mirroring of two Twin Flames trying to unravel our issues that are intertwined.  I continue to struggle to understand what is actually happening.  If you have any insights, please feel free to share and comment below. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Moving Through Fear

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Fear is like waves on the ocean that come in ebbs and flows.  This is what I have been experiencing after a recent argument with my Twin Flame.  His behaviors triggered my past injury that felt so painful that I reacted in a way I have not reacted in over 15 years.  I thought that injury was healed, but I am realizing that I still am emotionally wounded.

This emotional wound causes me to behave with distrust, jealousy, and fear of betrayal.  I also realized and acknowledge that this wound is within me.  I believe that my twin and I share similar emotional wounds causing us to trigger each other, and share the same fear of being injured again.  I have been observing my thoughts and feelings as these waves of fear hit me.

Last night, I admitted to my Twin Flame my deepest fear of no longer being young and pretty as I age.  My fear is that someday in the near future, he will trade me in for a newer and younger woman.  Just saying these words out loud made my fears dissipate.  It connected me deeply with my Twin to share such vulnerability and deep seeded fear of unworthiness and lack.

Fear is the voice that prevents us from being injured again, but it also is the voice that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It keeps us stuck in the same emotionally wounded place as when we first were wounded by someone we love.  Facing our fears is the first step to dissipating this fear, and taking away its power to rule our lives.  May you overcome your deepest fears.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Facing My Demons

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As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Working through Community Trauma

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As I enter my my second month of work at a new university, I have been observing signs of community trauma. I believe that every human on earth has unresolved trauma.  Trauma can range from experiencing a car accident to the death of a loved one or a divorce to childhood abuse.  Most people have unresolved trauma, and currently living with some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I believe our personal traumas can be further worsened or aggravated by community trauma, and those who have less trauma will further experience secondary trauma from others in the community.  Something traumatic happened to this community, and now they are operation 24/7 under fight or flight mode of existence.  These people must live such horrible existences in fear, distress, and triggered trauma.

As I enter this work environment, I am checking on my ego constantly as everyone is operating in perceived fear and crisis mode, and triggering others through secondary trauma.  All decisions must be made by consensus in group of six or more.  Nearly the entire university is operating its programs in fear or crisis mode, and is unaware of what is happening.  The students are feeling the distress, fear, and trauma too.

I have become the calm voice and person in the turbulent storm attempting to calm their fears and distress.  Outsiders who deal with us cannot understand why nothing is working and everyone is fighting amongst each other.  I try to calm their fears with much difficulties as each person is triggering others directly or through secondary trauma.

I asked the Infinite for help and what I should do.  I am told to love them despite not liking these people very much as they will distort the truth, lie, and cheat in fear of getting into trouble.  I am told that I must hold these people accountable for what they do, but must empower them to live at their highest potential.

My conversation with the Infinite is that I will try for one year to see how much progress I can make, then I will move forward to others who are ready to do the hard work of emotional recovery, healing, and growth.  I believe that I am destined to help those who are ready to help themselves.  I ask the Infinite for guidance, strength, and patience along my journey forward. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Creating Our Illusions

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Through addiction, we create an  illusion for our lives. Some are addicted to people called codependency, some to places called destination addiction, some to substances such as drugs or alcohol, and some to activities such as work, gambling or gaming.

Addiction is a form of self medication or negative coping skill we developed to deal with our trauma or loss. It is a way of escaping or suppressing the negative emotions that exist within us. We even find others or are attracted to others with the same addiction to validate our illusions.

I had destination addiction for a long time. The big difference in my life now is I no longer wish I am somewhere else to be happy. Every day, I recalled an exotic location to dream about my happiness there. These day dreams would be a romantizied memory of my past. This is called destination addiction, and truly is only an escape from my unhappy life.

I am learning to find happiness within myself wherever I am. True happiness does not exist in another place, even a beautiful place. True happiness is in the current moment in your present life. May you find happiness where you are! (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with all rights reserved.)

Living in Fear

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Most of us may not even realize it, but we live with constant fear nearly every minute of every day. Fear is not just about being frightened about any particular thing, person, or event, it is a mental state.  This is what I feared.  I feared change, abandonment, rejection, trusting others, being unlovable, being unworthy, being alone, and being injured again.

The problem with this fearful mental state is that we do not take any risks, and cannot grow or move forward.  Although I wanted very much to move foward, I was stuck and living in the purgatory of this mental state. I lived in this misery for a long time.

Another problem with living in this fearful mental state is that we will attract this exact energy that we fear.  Like energy attracts like energy, and I met others who abandoned me, rejected me, told me I was unworthy, deceived and lied to me, or physically or sexually injured me.  I created more misery for myself, and lived in this misery for a very long time.

The third problem is that our perceptions because of our fears will keep us in this fearful mental loop.  If we fear being abandoned, we attract this energy into our lives, and then we are abandoned by them.  We convince ourselves that we are victims because what we fear actually came true so others are doing this to us just like we fear. This is called victim mentally, and  I lived in this misery for a even longer time.

A critical part of moving forward and overcoming these fears is our willingness to face our own fears.  This is what I did.  I decided to leave my marriage and live alone because I fear being alone. I purchased a house and a car on my own.  I began to change my life first with small things like standing up for myself, uncluttering my life as I can be a hoarder, and learned to set healthy boundaries.

I began to work on my self worth and esteem by learning to accept who I am, including my light and darkness, with the belief that I can overcome my darkness.  I began to take care of myself by going to the doctor, exercising, eating healthier, and making better life choices.  I coupled these efforts with emotional release practice, and other healing modalities.  Please see my earlier post on “Emotional Release Practice.”

In other words, I began to work on myself by looking inward, and taking responsibilty for my own life choices.  With these efforts, my life started to change as I began attracting different people, situations, and events into my life that was different from my earlier life.  This is how I know what I am doing is actually working.

When we confront our fears, and take responsibility for our life choices, we begin to attract very different energy into our life, and the outcomes reflect this new energy. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

My Journey Home

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I finally found my way home, and it has been a long journey for me.  My story began when I was cared for by my grandparents as an infant, and at the age of eight, my parents came for me and wanted me back.  As I began my life with my parents, my childhood abuse began with my father, and my mother was too mentally ill to protect me.  I suffered a long and painful childhood of loneliness, despair, and sadness.  As an adult, I suffered from depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I then began therapy in college to fully understand my childhood abuse, and through my therapist’s recommendation, I discontinued contacts with my parents although  I stayed in contact with my only brother. It has been a long and difficult struggle for me as an adult as I experienced failed marriages, abusive relationships, and dysfunctional friendships, because I was unable to trust, love myself, or feel any self worth or esteem.

For over 20 years, I did not have any contacts with my parents or much with my extended family as these interactions reminded me too much of my pain and hurt from childhood.  Atlhough I continued to work hard on my emotional healing for 20 years, it was when my Kundalini energy rose that I began to see dramatic healing within me.  I began to see my healing helping many people I encountered and sexually assaulted college students with whom I worked.

With all the emotional healing I have done, I am finally able to reconnect with my parents and extended family, and am moving to Southern California where my family lives to live and work.   When we heal our hearts, we are able to return home to those we love. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, through all her hardships and with the help of her companions, she found her way home as she had the power within her all along because she had her ruby slippers.

All your prayers will be answered once you heal your past, hurt, and pain that we all hang onto. Your life will simply align to what is best for you as this is the true miracle of life! May you find your way home. Sending love and light to you! (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Building Something New

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For four years, I was unable to let go of a really awful and destructive relationship.  It had every possible destructive aspects to it.  There was lying, cheating, abuse, addiction, betrayal, deception, infidelity, among others.  What bound me to this man was that I too had all of these destructicve aspects to me, so like a magnet, I was attracted to this man with similar destructions.

In retrospect, it was just horrible, and I will never repeat this again in my life.  I am still trying to overcome the shame associated with allowing myself to be mistreated in such a way by this man, and to be associated with such individuals.  I am forgiving myself for being totally deceived by this man.

As soon as I let him go and let go of the destruction in my life, I began to see my world so differently.  When I finally accepted the end of that relationship, I was able to see men who are kind in my life as romantic possibilities. It was as if I was blinded and could not even see what was before me.

Now, I am begining to build something new in my life, and leaving the destruction of my past behind me.  We must accept the end of something in order to begin to build something new.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)