Moving Through Fear

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Fear is like waves on the ocean that come in ebbs and flows.  This is what I have been experiencing after a recent argument with my Twin Flame.  His behaviors triggered my past injury that felt so painful that I reacted in a way I have not reacted in over 15 years.  I thought that injury was healed, but I am realizing that I still am emotionally wounded.

This emotional wound causes me to behave with distrust, jealousy, and fear of betrayal.  I also realized and acknowledge that this wound is within me.  I believe that my twin and I share similar emotional wounds causing us to trigger each other, and share the same fear of being injured again.  I have been observing my thoughts and feelings as these waves of fear hit me.

Last night, I admitted to my Twin Flame my deepest fear of no longer being young and pretty as I age.  My fear is that someday in the near future, he will trade me in for a newer and younger woman.  Just saying these words out loud made my fears dissipate.  It connected me deeply with my Twin to share such vulnerability and deep seeded fear of unworthiness and lack.

Fear is the voice that prevents us from being injured again, but it also is the voice that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It keeps us stuck in the same emotionally wounded place as when we first were wounded by someone we love.  Facing our fears is the first step to dissipating this fear, and taking away its power to rule our lives.  May you overcome your deepest fears.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Facing My Demons

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As many of my readers know, I am involved in a Twin Flame relationship.  This relationship will push us to our limits and force us to face the unresolved demons still within us.  This past weekend, I observed myself revert back to my demon of jealousy, anger, and feeling unworthy.  I also am understanding how I am relating to sex as I was sexually abused as a child.

This weekend gave me so much insight into my emotional landscape.  When my twin directs his attention to other women, I become jealous even when I know these women have no interest whatsoever in my twin, and he has no true sexual or romantic interest in them.  Most of his attention toward other women is his attraction to their physical appearance such as staring at their face, legs, and other body parts.   I know intellectually that physical attraction is fleeting and physical appearance is temporary.

However, I also know that my jealousy has to do with my feeling unworthy and inadequate. Although the degree of my jealousy is getting better, I still allow jealousy to control me.  I know I have wonderful qualities, but something in me feels incomplete. I lack that love that I did not receive from my parents, and feel the hole that still is in my heart.

Much of this feeling of lack resulted from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.  This sexual abused made me feel less than human and less than a woman now.  Recently, my twin and I explored sexuality beyond my comfort level, but I did not realize it because it felt exciting and stimulating.  It took my twin to help me acknowledge this within me.  This sexual exploration made me feel excited and stimulated, but they are from my old patterns of my past that I must change for a healthier emotional and sex life.

This is what I learned from this weekend.  My twin and I are changing our behaviors during the course of our relationship.  We are attempting to change our sex life to a more emotional and spiritual one where physicality becomes less and less important. This is our spiritual journey together, while we process these issues separately then we share our work together.  I feel I have passed the first part of an important test, and am so grateful for my twin and my blessings. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Twin Flame Traps

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As you ascend with your Twin Flames, there are some warnings I wanted to provide to those also in Twin Flame relationships.  There are many pitfalls and traps involved in this relationship just as any other, but the intensity of Twin Flame relationships can result in obsessive and co-dependent behaviors.

Because Twin Flames are friendship and passion on fire, we are essentially playing with fire.  Because we are so in tuned with our twin as we enjoy the same things, have similar professions, have similar missions, have similar hobbies, and have the same belief systems, we are completely in sync with our twins, and have great passion through tantra together,  it is not unusual to fall into these traps and pitfalls.

The energy between Twin Flames feel so comfortable and comforting, you want to spend every hour together doing absolutely everything together because we are the same.  The passion is through the roof with endless hours of tantric sexual connection.  All this good vibes can easily result in obsessing about our twin every minute of every day when we have jobs to fulfill and other life obligations.

The co-dependency occurs when we are so connected energetically, emotionally, and spiritually with our twin that we lose where they end and where we begin in this relationship.  We must be conscious and aware that we are still separate people with our own identity. Recently, I sat down with my Twin Flame to discuss these issues concerning me.

As Twin Flames, we communicate through unconditional love and compassion about these important issues. If we are to ascend with our twin, we must work together to resolve these issues that are even more pronounced due to the Twin Flame fire that fuel this intensity to a degree I have never experienced before with another.  May you find your path back on track with your Twin Flame.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

Reflections From My Twin Flame

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This was a tough weekend of self reflection.  My twin flame has reflected back things about myself that I do not like, and things I want to change about myself.  I still face self doubt and feelings of unworthiness.  I know that when I see him, it reflects back to me those things that are the same.  I see in him the need for approval and affirmation from others, and as I react to him, I realize these are still emotional crutches I still have within me.

In the past, I would lash out at my partners for these weaknesses, but now I realize these are things within me that I do not like, and still need to change.  My instinct is to run from these feelings and distance myself from my reality.  It is difficult to face with all the dramatic changes in my inner and outer life that I still have more work to do.

It is easy to blame our twin for our own inadequacies instead of taking ownership of things ourselves.  I no longer wish to behave this way anymore; it is time to grow up.  What is still needing this approval and affirmation within me?  Why do I still have these feelings?  What is the fear driving these behaviors?   As I proceed with my Twin Flame, I continue to heal and reflect on what needs more emotional work.

When I heal, I will help my twin to heal as well.  So my spiritual journey continues onto the next phase of emotional recovery and spiritual growth.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Twin Flame Ascension

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My twin flame and I are working through the ascension process.  It has been very difficult as our emotional issues intertwine.  I recently began taking jazz piano lessons since I have been playing classical piano since the age of eight.  Initially, I didn’t really understand why I am taking lessons now, and recently, I  realized it is because I need to work through my fear of unworthiness.

When I was a child, my parent enrolled me in piano lessons, recitals, and piano competitions from the age of eight. I constantly was criticized for making mistakes, and being judged by parents and others.  I never felt good enough about my classical piano playing. Jazz piano is very different, in that it is free form.  Except for the rhythm and timing that must be spot on, there are no wrong notes to play.

As I journey through my jazz piano studies, I am learning to let go of all my fears, angst, and anxiety from childhood.  I work on these issues every time I sit down to play, as it is a moving meditation with Emotional Release Practice.  With hard work, I know I will overcome these fears within me.

At the same time, my twin is working through his fears of rejection and unworthiness.  Last night, I had to identify his issues involving his anger and rage within toward his father.  He is aware of these issues, but have not been working on them recently.  I saw his hardness and hurt within, and shared this with him.  It was a very difficult conversation, because I had to tell someone I love his deepest wounds and resulting behaviors.

With courage, he has stepped up to the plate and hopefully, he will persevere through these challenges.  If he fails to move forward, I explained that our union will falter, and he will fall into this deep darkness alone.  I have fallen myself into this deep darkness full of demons and karma, and vowed never to return there again. I am full of hope for my twin that he will overcome his demons, and heal this darkness.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Fear of Loss

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I believe everyone has fears of loss and abandonment, and that is one of my emotional issues.  My mother left me when I was one years old, and my father never met me until I was eight.  During my formative years (1-6 years old), I experienced abandonment.  After my mother and father left Taiwan for the U.S., I was left with my  maternal grandparents, and when they left for the U.S., I remained with my paternal grandparents until I was eight years old.  This left deep scars within me.

During my past life recollections, I remember my mother died when I was a young native American boy in another lifetime.  Yet in another lifetime, I recall my father abandoning my mother, sister, and me as I watched him drive away in his truck from our family farm. These traumas involving abandonment remain with my soul to the present day.

I recently  entered into a romantic relationship, I believe, finally with my twin flame/soul. These old memories and emotional wounds still haunt me.  As I proceed with my love, I fear him leaving me or loving another.  These fears still plaque me in my heart as I earlier attracted many other men who did leave me and love another.  This time, I realize that I must live beyond my ego filled with fear and doubt.

I currently use Observing Ego Practice to cope with these fears, but something is different this time.  As he has been away in China this last week, I am beginning to feel a shift within me.  I am missing him less and less each day as the week progresses, and I know you will think, this is terrible.  Quite the contrary, in my aloneness, I prove to myself that I am never alone and that I can be independent and care for myself.  I am freeing myself of co-dependency or attachment.

It is through unconditional love that I am with this man, and not because I depend on him for my existence.  When I am alone now, I know that my life can continue with or without him, and that all will be okay.  We can’t control when others will leave us, love another, or die, but I know I will be fine even if that comes to fruition. Even if my twin abandons me, I know my soul will still move forward as I am never truly alone. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved).

Working through Community Trauma

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As I enter my my second month of work at a new university, I have been observing signs of community trauma. I believe that every human on earth has unresolved trauma.  Trauma can range from experiencing a car accident to the death of a loved one or a divorce to childhood abuse.  Most people have unresolved trauma, and currently living with some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I believe our personal traumas can be further worsened or aggravated by community trauma, and those who have less trauma will further experience secondary trauma from others in the community.  Something traumatic happened to this community, and now they are operation 24/7 under fight or flight mode of existence.  These people must live such horrible existences in fear, distress, and triggered trauma.

As I enter this work environment, I am checking on my ego constantly as everyone is operating in perceived fear and crisis mode, and triggering others through secondary trauma.  All decisions must be made by consensus in group of six or more.  Nearly the entire university is operating its programs in fear or crisis mode, and is unaware of what is happening.  The students are feeling the distress, fear, and trauma too.

I have become the calm voice and person in the turbulent storm attempting to calm their fears and distress.  Outsiders who deal with us cannot understand why nothing is working and everyone is fighting amongst each other.  I try to calm their fears with much difficulties as each person is triggering others directly or through secondary trauma.

I asked the Infinite for help and what I should do.  I am told to love them despite not liking these people very much as they will distort the truth, lie, and cheat in fear of getting into trouble.  I am told that I must hold these people accountable for what they do, but must empower them to live at their highest potential.

My conversation with the Infinite is that I will try for one year to see how much progress I can make, then I will move forward to others who are ready to do the hard work of emotional recovery, healing, and growth.  I believe that I am destined to help those who are ready to help themselves.  I ask the Infinite for guidance, strength, and patience along my journey forward. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Until We Learn What We Need to Learn …

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As I began my  new job about a month ago, I have come to realize that many of the old issues are repeating.  I am seeing the same issues with different people, and the Universe has brought back lessons apparently I have not fully learned. At work, I am encountering people who do not take responsibility for themselves, point fingers, and blame others for their failures.

My supervisor is very passive and is terrified of offending others, and as I set boundaries and hold others accountable, she also blames me for attempting to set healthy boundaries.  The question I am asking myself and the Universe is why is this happening?  What am I doing wrong?  Why has she been sent to me?

This is the same dysfunctional behavior from my childhood.  The school where I work is filled with chaos, drama, and people behaving badly toward each other.  Why am I still attracting this in my life?  How do I overcome being around this bad behaviors without becoming part of these bad behaviors?

In my personal life, I earlier encountered individuals who behaved badly and created horrible drama through infidelity, cheating, lying, deception, and general disrespectful behaviors.  I have finally found people who take responsibility for themselves in my personal life now, and treat others with respect and with healthy boundaries.  But why am I still attracting these bad behaviors at work?

My guess is that I must transcend this bad behavior and must not feed into the drama and chaos at work.  I must rise above this chaos without being drawn into it, and when I do, I will finally be released from these people and no longer react to them.  I believe this is the reason that they are still here in my work life as I have not learned what I still need to learn.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved).

Kundalini Syndrome Revisits

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It has been awhile when I last posted, since I have been busy moving, getting settled, starting a new job and relationship. It is everything I asked for, so don’t wish too hard, you may actually get what you want.  Last night, I experienced an episode of Kundalini syndrome that I have not experienced for about two years.

As I slept, I felt this surging energy in my solar plexus chakra as my Kundalini energy became blocked there.  Initially, I thought I was experiencing indigestion as I had a late supper of spicy Thai food.  After taking medication and my symptoms did not subside, I realize that I was experiencing my Kundalini energy becoming blocked in my solar plexus chakra.

I have been fully aware of issues in my new relationship as he became more demanding of my time asking to spend a large part of my weekend, and traveling during the week to his concerts.  As I have a very emotionally demanding job of working with sexually assaulted students, my energy was completely depleted last night as I drove one and half hour each way to attend his concert.

As I drove to the concert, I knew that I needed to take back my power by setting healthy boundaries, as his behavior was becoming codepedent which is a behavior that I have been trying to break.  I did not bring up these issues with him after the concert and when I returned home, the energy in my solar plexus chakra began vibrating vigorously while I felt terrible pain in my stomach and abdomen.  This went on for most of the night, and I was unable to sleep for most of the night.

When I awoke the next morning, the pain had subsided some, and I called my boyfriend describing what I had experienced. I also requested some limits on our time with each other as well as why I needed this time to take care of my myself and the things I need to do for my life.  He was very understanding and agreed that limitation on time together will benefit him as well.  Almost immediately after our conversation, the pain in my solar plexus chakra completely vanished.

The miracle of Kundalini energy is that it will alert me of the problems when I fail to address them in my life.  It keeps me honest and authentic because when I am not true to myself, I experience physical pain which I then must determine the origin of the blockage to my Kundalini energy.  It is both a blessing and a curse, but it helps me navigate my life. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved).