Moving Through Fear

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Fear is like waves on the ocean that come in ebbs and flows.  This is what I have been experiencing after a recent argument with my Twin Flame.  His behaviors triggered my past injury that felt so painful that I reacted in a way I have not reacted in over 15 years.  I thought that injury was healed, but I am realizing that I still am emotionally wounded.

This emotional wound causes me to behave with distrust, jealousy, and fear of betrayal.  I also realized and acknowledge that this wound is within me.  I believe that my twin and I share similar emotional wounds causing us to trigger each other, and share the same fear of being injured again.  I have been observing my thoughts and feelings as these waves of fear hit me.

Last night, I admitted to my Twin Flame my deepest fear of no longer being young and pretty as I age.  My fear is that someday in the near future, he will trade me in for a newer and younger woman.  Just saying these words out loud made my fears dissipate.  It connected me deeply with my Twin to share such vulnerability and deep seeded fear of unworthiness and lack.

Fear is the voice that prevents us from being injured again, but it also is the voice that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It keeps us stuck in the same emotionally wounded place as when we first were wounded by someone we love.  Facing our fears is the first step to dissipating this fear, and taking away its power to rule our lives.  May you overcome your deepest fears.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Building Trust

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As many of my readers know about my history, my father was a philanderer who lied to my family to hide his philandering. As an adult, I became attracted to philanderers and liars.   My resulting adult life was filled with angst of distrusting men and suspicious of their intentions and actions. In the recent past, a man I dated brought many of these fears to the surface.  While dating me, he was involved with countless other women and passed a deadly sexually transmitted disease to me and other women. This relationship really shook me and caused me to shy away from sex all together.

On this phase of my journey, I am attempting to overcome my distrust of men. First, I am aware of my feelings of distrust caused by my past experiences. In my current relationship, I am dealing with these waves of fear of being hurt and lied to again in my life. As these waves come over me, I allow them to release without reacting to them. I realize that all men have women friends as long we have a solid relationship, those other women do not bother me.

With philandering men, I notice that their attention and time are frequently redirected to the interest of other women at the expense of passing up time with me. As I am an intuit, I know when someone is lying to me, or attempting to deceive me. I frequently have confronted them to their dismay.

Every man deserves a chance.  However, once they stray then I move on as I believe I deserve so much better. I don’t need leftovers as there are many fish in the sea.  If we don’t demand better treatment, then we will never receive better treatment. This is what I have learned the hard way. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Closure of Our Past

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At the end of each phase of our emotional and spiritual growth, we need closure and house cleaning of sorts.  They are closure on relationships that no longer conform to how we live or want to live our my lives.  Similar to alcoholic who want to change and quit drinking, they must let go of their drinking buddies and friends.  Similar to any addiction, negative behaviors and thinking are addictions.  We become habituated to these negative actions and beliefs.

As I leave my current job and home, I am saying good-bye to others.  It is letting them go as I move forward in my life.  I have become a stranger to them as I have transformed to someone who does not conform to their way of behaving or thinking.  I think it is puzzling and difficult for them as I simply do not agree with them on many things.  I am in the processing of letting them go, and soon I will no longer feel sad about losing my past.

It has been eye opening to see who I have become as I interact with those in my past.  I have a different voice and an inner strength that I have only recently come to recognize as me.  There is a reason all this is happening to me, and this reason is causing the change in my life.  It is painful and hard, but it is for my highest good.

Everyday, I say to myself, let go , let go, and someday it will no longer feel so painful and hard to let go of my past.  Until we release our past, we will be forever imprisoned by it. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

New Lenses, New Perspectives

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The final days of this phase of my spiritual journey allows me see the last five years in a different perspective.  What I tolerated earlier on my journey, simply is unacceptable now. My level of toleratnce for bad behaviors become less, and the quality of my life has improved significantly.  The two things are directly proportional, and it is we who sets the appropriate boundaries for those engaging in bad behaviors.

As we heal, we begin to see our world through different lenses.  It is this different perspective that is the manifestation of true changes and growth. Through these new lenses, we simply see our reality in a different way.  As a result, we make different and better choices for ouselves, and react and feel differently about our reality.

As I have sold my home here, completed my current job here, accepted a new job and rented a new home in California, I am free to move forward onto the next phase of my spiritual and emotional growth.  For the first time, I realize there is no end to this evolution of our souls.  It continues to evolve higher and higher, and where it ends no one knows.

I am grateful I have found this path forward as I have been lost and floundering for many soul lives.  In this life, it is meant for me to heal my soul wounds, and become the soul I am meant to become.  It is my soul that I am healing and spirtually growing, as I know this body will only be on this earth for short time.  My spirit shall rise, and my soul life will be forever transformed. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Soaring into Unfamiliar Territory

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When we are on a spiritual journey of emotional healing and growth, there will come a time that we are traveling in unfamiliar territory.  This is where I am now.  What feels unfamiliar is how I am interacting now with my world.  I am not interested in dependency of others, so I feel disinterested in becoming entangled with others either romantically or with their drama.  It just is not interesting or neccessary for my life now.

I feel very certain about how I want to spend my time, and don’t waste time doing things I don’t want to do.  Recently, someone invited me to a football game and tailgating which I dislike and thanked him, but declined the invitation.  I have stopped pacifying and trying to please others, so I don’t do those things anymore, and I feel such relief because my self esteem no longer is dependent on others liking me.

I am moving forward in my life without knowing the outcome or trying to control the outcome.  I am listening to my inner voice on how to best proceed. It feels like flying in a fog in a plane without nagivational equipment to help me find my way.  I am moving forward only with my intuition and a little scared with anticipation.  My world feels competely differently now, and what a ride!

Is this how freedom feels?  Is this living without attachment?  Is this enlightment? I don’t yet know the answer to my questions.  It certainly feels foreign, but uncharacteristically comfortable.  My life is no longer influenced or dependent on others, and I move forward sometimes with obstacles in my way, but it is not stressful and debilitating as my life was earlier.

Here I go and where I land, I do not know.  I feel lighter and lighter, and the weight of my past is falling away.  This is the pure joy of the spiritual journey, and this is what soaring like a bird feels like.  May you find your journey into the heavens!  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Empowering the Victim

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Throughout my life, many have harmed me including my parents, partners, and coworkers.  I gave off victim energy for a long time due to many lifetimes of unresolved trauma.  These traumatic experiences left emotional wounded energy within my energy field, and this wounded energy can be felt by others.  As a result, I fell prey to predators of sexual and physical violence and bullying.

All this changed in March 2011 when my Kundalini energy rose as I believe when our Kundalini energy rise it is intended to help the most vulnerable and emotionally injured.  As my energy rose, I learned to access my higher self, intuition, and clairsentience to help me nagivate my life and spiritual journey. This Kundalini awakening began my spiritual journey of self discovery and emotional healing to gain personal empowerment.

Even if your Kundalini energy has not risen, each of us can access our higher selves through meditation or quieting the mind, and everyone has intuition from birth.  Kundalini energy merely heightens these abilities.  No matter who you are or what happened in your life, you have the ability to gain this personal empowerment.

During the past five years, I began to learn to accept myself for who I am, and love myself more than loving anyone else.  This is not selfishness or conceit, as we do not harm others when we love ourselves as we do with selfishness.  As part of accepting ourselves, we must take responsibilities for our own actions and decisions.  Forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, and vow never to make the same mistakes again.  We must accept all parts of ourselves, the good and the bad. It is accepting our own darkness that is truly self love.  This is the foundation of our self worth and esteem.

Once we learn to love ourselves, we become invincible as we no longer require other’s approval or acceptance of our lives and existence.  “I am who I am, and I love who I am even if no one else loves me.”  This is a very powerful statement, and this is true empowerment and freedom from victimhood.  May you find true empowerment in your life. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

What Underlies Our Lies

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As you can see from my earlier posts, I have been contemplating why people lie.  There are several reasons people lie.  We lie because we feel shame, fear of being disliked or disapproved, and fear punishment or the consequences.  Even when we believe we tell white lies so as not to hurt others, it is really because we fear being disliked or disapproved by others.  There may be other reasons, such as lying intentionally to hurt or protect others, but these are the main reasons I believe people lie.

Underlying all lies are a sense of lack of self worth and fear.  Lying is the ego’s way of coping with our reality.  Along with the actual lies, we also employ denial to convince ourselves of the lies.  Denial goes hand in hand with lying because the liar can convince himself/ herself that the lies are really true. Therefore, they convince themselves that they are not lying at all.

Shame is another emotion that ego cannot handle, because we must confront what we have done that may be criminal, unethical, immoral or hurtful to others.  Fear, however, is the driving force to lying because we fear being disliked or disapproved by others for our behaviors and actions, so we lie to cover it up, particularly when we fear punishment or the consequences for our negative actions and behaviors.

Underlying all lies are the lack of self worth and fear that drive us to lie, and then we use denial to justify our lies convincing ourselves that they are true.  Enlightenment is our willingness to see our truths whether positive or negative, and then taking full responsibility for our lives.  May you find your path to enlightenment.  (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

The Second Choice

13267925_1003536413068955_3422062978101002385_n.At some point in our lives, we become someone’s second choice or backup plan.  When we finally acknowledge that is who we are, it is a sad moment.   They string us along waiting for the first choice to come around.  If we see and believe our own worth, we will leave this relationship as it is disrespectful and hurtful to us.

This happen to me as I was strung along while the man I dated waited for his first choice who was married to come around.  I finally walked away because I know my own worth, and I did not deserve to be treated with such disrespect.   This woman constantly interfered with and tried to control our relationship through her telephone calls, texts, and Facebook comments.  It became ridiculous!

The irony is that this married woman’s husband finally left her for another woman with two sweet boys, and appears to be very happy and in love now.  I am so happy for his man who deserves a wife who treats him as a priority and not as a backup plan.   This is what this man and I had in common and is our shared experience.

I have learned my lesson to stay away from such destructive and disrespectful behaviors. Actually, this was a great service to my spiritual growth.  Now, I recognize when a man treats me like a second choice or backup plan.  Not only do I recognize it, I walk away from it immediately.  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  I will never voluntarily engage with any individuals like this again.

I do not hold a grudge with these two individuals as I have forgiven them for they know not what they do and want to be free of them. I have forgiven them, but have not forgotten as this is the great life lesson I learned.  In the end, they will destroy themselves as they do not need my help.

My life has significantly improved and is getting better every day since I distanced myself from them over a year ago.   This is what I have learned.  Let go of things and people who do not serve your higher path, and learn self love and your worth. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)