Moving Through Fear

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Fear is like waves on the ocean that come in ebbs and flows.  This is what I have been experiencing after a recent argument with my Twin Flame.  His behaviors triggered my past injury that felt so painful that I reacted in a way I have not reacted in over 15 years.  I thought that injury was healed, but I am realizing that I still am emotionally wounded.

This emotional wound causes me to behave with distrust, jealousy, and fear of betrayal.  I also realized and acknowledge that this wound is within me.  I believe that my twin and I share similar emotional wounds causing us to trigger each other, and share the same fear of being injured again.  I have been observing my thoughts and feelings as these waves of fear hit me.

Last night, I admitted to my Twin Flame my deepest fear of no longer being young and pretty as I age.  My fear is that someday in the near future, he will trade me in for a newer and younger woman.  Just saying these words out loud made my fears dissipate.  It connected me deeply with my Twin to share such vulnerability and deep seeded fear of unworthiness and lack.

Fear is the voice that prevents us from being injured again, but it also is the voice that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. It keeps us stuck in the same emotionally wounded place as when we first were wounded by someone we love.  Facing our fears is the first step to dissipating this fear, and taking away its power to rule our lives.  May you overcome your deepest fears.  (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Fear of Loss

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I believe everyone has fears of loss and abandonment, and that is one of my emotional issues.  My mother left me when I was one years old, and my father never met me until I was eight.  During my formative years (1-6 years old), I experienced abandonment.  After my mother and father left Taiwan for the U.S., I was left with my  maternal grandparents, and when they left for the U.S., I remained with my paternal grandparents until I was eight years old.  This left deep scars within me.

During my past life recollections, I remember my mother died when I was a young native American boy in another lifetime.  Yet in another lifetime, I recall my father abandoning my mother, sister, and me as I watched him drive away in his truck from our family farm. These traumas involving abandonment remain with my soul to the present day.

I recently  entered into a romantic relationship, I believe, finally with my twin flame/soul. These old memories and emotional wounds still haunt me.  As I proceed with my love, I fear him leaving me or loving another.  These fears still plaque me in my heart as I earlier attracted many other men who did leave me and love another.  This time, I realize that I must live beyond my ego filled with fear and doubt.

I currently use Observing Ego Practice to cope with these fears, but something is different this time.  As he has been away in China this last week, I am beginning to feel a shift within me.  I am missing him less and less each day as the week progresses, and I know you will think, this is terrible.  Quite the contrary, in my aloneness, I prove to myself that I am never alone and that I can be independent and care for myself.  I am freeing myself of co-dependency or attachment.

It is through unconditional love that I am with this man, and not because I depend on him for my existence.  When I am alone now, I know that my life can continue with or without him, and that all will be okay.  We can’t control when others will leave us, love another, or die, but I know I will be fine even if that comes to fruition. Even if my twin abandons me, I know my soul will still move forward as I am never truly alone. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved).

Working through Community Trauma

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As I enter my my second month of work at a new university, I have been observing signs of community trauma. I believe that every human on earth has unresolved trauma.  Trauma can range from experiencing a car accident to the death of a loved one or a divorce to childhood abuse.  Most people have unresolved trauma, and currently living with some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I believe our personal traumas can be further worsened or aggravated by community trauma, and those who have less trauma will further experience secondary trauma from others in the community.  Something traumatic happened to this community, and now they are operation 24/7 under fight or flight mode of existence.  These people must live such horrible existences in fear, distress, and triggered trauma.

As I enter this work environment, I am checking on my ego constantly as everyone is operating in perceived fear and crisis mode, and triggering others through secondary trauma.  All decisions must be made by consensus in group of six or more.  Nearly the entire university is operating its programs in fear or crisis mode, and is unaware of what is happening.  The students are feeling the distress, fear, and trauma too.

I have become the calm voice and person in the turbulent storm attempting to calm their fears and distress.  Outsiders who deal with us cannot understand why nothing is working and everyone is fighting amongst each other.  I try to calm their fears with much difficulties as each person is triggering others directly or through secondary trauma.

I asked the Infinite for help and what I should do.  I am told to love them despite not liking these people very much as they will distort the truth, lie, and cheat in fear of getting into trouble.  I am told that I must hold these people accountable for what they do, but must empower them to live at their highest potential.

My conversation with the Infinite is that I will try for one year to see how much progress I can make, then I will move forward to others who are ready to do the hard work of emotional recovery, healing, and growth.  I believe that I am destined to help those who are ready to help themselves.  I ask the Infinite for guidance, strength, and patience along my journey forward. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Building Trust

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As many of my readers know about my history, my father was a philanderer who lied to my family to hide his philandering. As an adult, I became attracted to philanderers and liars.   My resulting adult life was filled with angst of distrusting men and suspicious of their intentions and actions. In the recent past, a man I dated brought many of these fears to the surface.  While dating me, he was involved with countless other women and passed a deadly sexually transmitted disease to me and other women. This relationship really shook me and caused me to shy away from sex all together.

On this phase of my journey, I am attempting to overcome my distrust of men. First, I am aware of my feelings of distrust caused by my past experiences. In my current relationship, I am dealing with these waves of fear of being hurt and lied to again in my life. As these waves come over me, I allow them to release without reacting to them. I realize that all men have women friends as long we have a solid relationship, those other women do not bother me.

With philandering men, I notice that their attention and time are frequently redirected to the interest of other women at the expense of passing up time with me. As I am an intuit, I know when someone is lying to me, or attempting to deceive me. I frequently have confronted them to their dismay.

Every man deserves a chance.  However, once they stray then I move on as I believe I deserve so much better. I don’t need leftovers as there are many fish in the sea.  If we don’t demand better treatment, then we will never receive better treatment. This is what I have learned the hard way. (Copyright 2017 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Through Dreams

 

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In my dreams last night, I said goodbye to those in my past who I will not have an opportunity to say goodbye as I move onto the next phase of my journey.  In my dream, I spoke to each person separately saying my farewells.  My interaction with these important individuals who I encountered on my journey either taught me lessons, tested me, or showed me truths about myself.

Although they are no longer in my life now, their contributions to my emotional healing and spiritual growth were necessary, and I thank them as I no longer harbor any animosity or ill will against them. We must be willing to let go of these relationships by understanding that they no longer lead somewhere as our time together have ended.

Letting go feels like a huge weight has lifted from my heart. My higher self tells me to let go, and don’t hang on because this letting go is necessary for me to move forward as I no longer need to carry such heavy baggage with me along my journey.

As I lighten my load on my journey, I gave away possessions, gave away valuables, and gave up emotional pain and hurt.  The lightening of my load means to release, let go, and forgive myself and others.  It is through this letting go that gives us peace and harmony, allows us to find happiness and joy, and attracts love and passion into our lives.

After giving up the people, places, and situations of my past, I shall finally find my dreams and peace, joy, and love will naturally flow into my life.  I will finally get a second chance at my life. In 2017, may you find your dreams. (Copyright 2o16 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Gratitude for 2017

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I have much gratitude going into 2017 as there is so much to be grateful for in my life. I am grateful for all the doors that closed in my life and the many situtaions that did not turn out the way I wanted them.  In retrospect, those people, opporutnities, and situations were never meant for me.

What I perceived initially as rejection or abandonment are really serendipity and synchronicity for my life. I did not enter into relationships, did not get job offers, and did not get selected for certain situations.  Because of these missed opportunities, I had better opportunities waiting for me that is perfect for me and meant for me.

When we are occupied with the ego’s need to control outcomes whether they are relationships, careers, job opportunities, or other situations, our lives will constantly feel like a struggle.  We lack abundance, have failed relationships, have unsuccessful careers, and generally fail to move forward.

Our ego does not know what is best for us, but our higher self does.  Many of us still operate in the smaller self or ego so we continue to fight the path that is not meant for us, so our lives continue to feel like a huge uphill battle.

In my life now if something does not work out in the way that I hope, I always say to myself, “This is simply not meant for me. Something better is waiting for me.” I see my life now with a very bright horizon, and everything falling into place like a giant jigsaw puzzle.  I no longer question the why, but simply accept what is meant for me, will come to me. (Copyrigth 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

Living in Fear

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Most of us may not even realize it, but we live with constant fear nearly every minute of every day. Fear is not just about being frightened about any particular thing, person, or event, it is a mental state.  This is what I feared.  I feared change, abandonment, rejection, trusting others, being unlovable, being unworthy, being alone, and being injured again.

The problem with this fearful mental state is that we do not take any risks, and cannot grow or move forward.  Although I wanted very much to move foward, I was stuck and living in the purgatory of this mental state. I lived in this misery for a long time.

Another problem with living in this fearful mental state is that we will attract this exact energy that we fear.  Like energy attracts like energy, and I met others who abandoned me, rejected me, told me I was unworthy, deceived and lied to me, or physically or sexually injured me.  I created more misery for myself, and lived in this misery for a very long time.

The third problem is that our perceptions because of our fears will keep us in this fearful mental loop.  If we fear being abandoned, we attract this energy into our lives, and then we are abandoned by them.  We convince ourselves that we are victims because what we fear actually came true so others are doing this to us just like we fear. This is called victim mentally, and  I lived in this misery for a even longer time.

A critical part of moving forward and overcoming these fears is our willingness to face our own fears.  This is what I did.  I decided to leave my marriage and live alone because I fear being alone. I purchased a house and a car on my own.  I began to change my life first with small things like standing up for myself, uncluttering my life as I can be a hoarder, and learned to set healthy boundaries.

I began to work on my self worth and esteem by learning to accept who I am, including my light and darkness, with the belief that I can overcome my darkness.  I began to take care of myself by going to the doctor, exercising, eating healthier, and making better life choices.  I coupled these efforts with emotional release practice, and other healing modalities.  Please see my earlier post on “Emotional Release Practice.”

In other words, I began to work on myself by looking inward, and taking responsibilty for my own life choices.  With these efforts, my life started to change as I began attracting different people, situations, and events into my life that was different from my earlier life.  This is how I know what I am doing is actually working.

When we confront our fears, and take responsibility for our life choices, we begin to attract very different energy into our life, and the outcomes reflect this new energy. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

 

 

New Lenses, New Perspectives

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The final days of this phase of my spiritual journey allows me see the last five years in a different perspective.  What I tolerated earlier on my journey, simply is unacceptable now. My level of toleratnce for bad behaviors become less, and the quality of my life has improved significantly.  The two things are directly proportional, and it is we who sets the appropriate boundaries for those engaging in bad behaviors.

As we heal, we begin to see our world through different lenses.  It is this different perspective that is the manifestation of true changes and growth. Through these new lenses, we simply see our reality in a different way.  As a result, we make different and better choices for ouselves, and react and feel differently about our reality.

As I have sold my home here, completed my current job here, accepted a new job and rented a new home in California, I am free to move forward onto the next phase of my spiritual and emotional growth.  For the first time, I realize there is no end to this evolution of our souls.  It continues to evolve higher and higher, and where it ends no one knows.

I am grateful I have found this path forward as I have been lost and floundering for many soul lives.  In this life, it is meant for me to heal my soul wounds, and become the soul I am meant to become.  It is my soul that I am healing and spirtually growing, as I know this body will only be on this earth for short time.  My spirit shall rise, and my soul life will be forever transformed. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)

Healing the Heart

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The human heart is so very fragile and yet resilient.  It is able to endure so much pain and hurt, but it also can easily be wounded by those we love.  Recently, during a meeting with a sexually assaulted student with whom I worked disclosed that she had been sexually abused as child, tears streamed down her face as we talked about her emotional wounds. Yet behind her sad tears, I can feel just how truly strong she is, and that she will find her way to healing.

As we talked about her sexual assault, we talked about how she can begin to heal her emotional pain and to help her become stronger so she can better protect herself.  She explained that she thought she had already resolved these issues in her life, and cannot understand why these situations still trigger her.

As I looked into her eyes, I explained that emotional healing is like an onion or a spiral, as there are many layers of pain we have stored from years of emotional wounds.  In order to heal it, we must heal each layer like the layers of an onion.  In the center of this onion is our heart, we must heal all the layers until we find our fragile but resilient heart.

Through this healing, she will learn to love herself, and care for herself the way she deserves as we all deserve.  No matter how deep the emotional wounds, I believe we all are able to heal ourselves and find love within our hearts for ouselves. May you find this self love! Sending love and blessings to you. (Copyright 2016 Awakening Journey with All Rights Reserved)